All posts tagged: self-love

Stop Questioning How Much of a Bad Bitch You Are (Really Though)

Questioning your worth sounds like a drag, right? If you ever hear a friend say something like, “Well why does this person like me? What do they see in me?” the first thing you do as a good friend is say, “You’re fucking amazing, that’s why!” I am that friend. My friends are friend. My family is that friend. But for most of my life, I struggled with trying to be that friend to myself. I would always question why a guy I liked would be into me and then subconsciously ruin any chances for something beyond the second (sometimes first) date. “Wow, really? You think I’m beautiful??? STOPPPP!” “Oh come on, you think I’m funny? I’m honestly not like a comedian or anything, like I don’t know how to write jokes very well.” “Oh wow, you read my blog? That’s so weird, no one reads it. You think I’m a good writer? That’s so wild, dude!” Or even to a boss: “Aw really??? I’m doing a good job?? You want me to keep up the …

I Cried in 4th Grade Because I Thought I Was Ugly

On an overnight school field trip in the mountains, I found myself in a nosy predicament. Growing up in a small town in Sonoma County, the fourth grade class at our school would take a field trip through this history of California’s Gold Rush movement. While it may sound  fun, it most certainly was not my thing. I love nature. But what I didn’t like was having to do boy things with other boys. I had no interest in hanging out with the other boys, playing Pokemon or God knows what else. I desperately wanted to be part of the girls crew but I was not allowed in. Staying behind in the cabin reading a book while the boys were out playing, I overheard the girls’ counsel meeting. Christina and Liz were leading the meeting. As they called the meeting to begin, the first order of business was naming the top three hottest guys in our class. This peaked my interest, naturally. As they called off the list, I found myself at number three behind Charlie Winterbottom …

How Embracing My Femininity Released Me from My Ex-Lover’s Approval

I pricked my finger on David’s line of vision and couldn’t get enough of his attention. He told me he loved me and wanted to be with me, yet still one thing was clear: he wasn’t completely attracted to me. While I sought to pursue this image of what he wanted, I found myself spiraling out of grip, scrambling to keep up with the sexually appealing nature of my contemporaries. Toned bodies laced in leather choking at each joint, jaw lines that ran forever, eyes like whirlpools sucking in every Instagram follower, masculinity: dirty and raw. These men were who he wanted. In January, he sparked an essay I posted about breaking out of my supposed ‘lane’ and embracing my own sexually aggressive nature, owning my sexuality at the forefront versus keeping it within until brought forth when comfortable. My social feeds were filled with images of who I wanted to be, of the men I knew David wished I could be, and I came up short each time under my own guise. “I could be like that,” I …