I received the text message. It was late at night on a Tuesday, and I had an English assignment due the next day. Ninth grade English class is just so difficult. The text read: “We need to break up.” I was disappointed but not exactly saddened. Lindsay and I had only been dating for like a week. AIN’T NOBODY GON’ BE HEARTBROKEN OVER DAT SHIT. (Exception: If Darren Criss and I were to be in a five minute relationship that ended most likely because he realized I am completely insane, then I would cry for days, call off work, drop out of school, and go on an “Eat, Pray, Love” adventure to find myself.) I didn’t know how to respond exactly, I was just so dumbfounded. I mean, come on, I’m pretty attractive. So, I simply said: “Why?” It took a good ten minutes to get back a response and I wasn’t sure how long it would take. Finally, she replied: “God doesn’t want us to date anymore.” WHAT?! GOD TOLD YOU TO BREAK UP …