All posts tagged: queer spinster

Why I’m Ending ‘Queer Spinster’

As some of you may already know, the final Queer Spinster blog post will be shared on July 3, 2017. And some of you may be wondering why. I began this blog (as Diary of a Gay Spinster) in late 2012 at 20 years old with a quest to relieve myself of feeling embarrassed by my own spinsterdom. In my first post, I began a simple call made of self-deprecation, to “claim the darkest parts of myself and find the humor in my own tragedy.” In an official introduction post, I wrote: “The purpose of this blog is to connect with at least one person, a lost soul who has a free ticket to the Hot Mess Express. Well if you are that person, I’m here for you. I know what it’s like to be a single, career driven college student without prospects. I’m probably just dramatic, but the drama of it all (not stupid high school drama, I mean the glamorization of your own failures and successes) is what fuels my desire to make …

RUNAWAY GIRL ♡ PART ONE

I KNOW NOW THAT THE DARKNESS I HAD SEEN WAS MY OWN SHADOW. * * * Cut it off, run now. Don’t look back. You must go missing for him to learn how to miss you. I pack my proverbial suitcase and head for the door. I look back and know that what is left will not be the same if I returned. But returning is not an option, at least not now. I must learn to keep my feet moving past the door, out to the street, into a cab and set dynamite across the bridge as I cross over the canyon. Never to return. Without him, I may never know if this house we painted pink would have ever been a home. With him, the walls breath in staggered paces, huffing and puffing as if their lungs had been filled for centuries with the toxic fumes of my own self-loathing—gasping to make out the word: “Run.” * * * But I do stop running. I return. From winter in Phoenix to a 79-degree night …

I’m Scared I’m Not Who They Think I Am (Or What They Want Me to Be)

I wrote this in my journal a couple weeks ago as I kept feeling the blockage of my own false belief system stifle me from living in the present–of feeling like I needed to be everything I could to belong. I am sharing for the same reason I always share my mess, to connect with people who feel it too.  I so desperately seek to not be lonely and yet I isolate myself in fear of seeming like a bore or disconnected. When I wake up, the list of things I want to accomplish are heavily overwhelming to the point where I just lie there contemplating what to do first. I have an idea of what I want to do and see being around people as distracting me from those tasks. But then I end up feeling lonely throughout my day wondering when I might happen upon a stranger who comes up to me in those moments and thrusts me into adventure. And clouded by my own trunk of tasks, if I do make the effort …

On Letting Go of the Outcome and Staying in the Present Moment

As artists looking to build a platform to share our work, we can often get distracted by what the outcome might be. Sometimes, our ego’s desire to be validated externally can get in the way of our true purpose, the purpose of why we create in the first place. If your intention is coming from a pure and loving place, it’s important to stay in the present. There is always love in the present moment of what you’re doing now. I hope this serves you. xx Manulani

Letting Go of the Negative Thoughts About Ourselves [VIDEO]

Hi loves! Creating videos for this blog has been on my heart for some time now, and while the ideas have been circulating in my head I knew that I had to start right away and not wait until I had the right camera or production lights. So now we begin! Today I want to talk about  the negative thoughts we have about ourselves and how important it is to laugh at them. A few weeks ago, I touched on what A Course in Miracles refers to as ‘tiny mad ideas’ in a blog post called, Winter as a Time of Healing. In this video we will discuss our inner belief system reflects in the world around us, why true change and perception begins within, and of course, how to laugh at those tiny mad ideas. I hope this video helps in some way! xoxo Manulani Related: I Have Always Known Who I Am but I Didn’t Know I Was Enough The First Cold Night I Turned a Man Into the Devil In Order to Rebuke Him

I Was a Terrible Friend

When you met me I was broken, though neither of us knew it at the time. I was 21, you were 19. To you I was Zelda. To you, I didn’t care what other people thought and was unapologetically myself. By living openly in this way, perhaps I drew you in. Yet I was still struggling to grasp on to who I truly was, to see how I fit into the world. But I let you believe I was dazzling, because I found you incredibly alluring. I understood your interest pursuing my friendship on the day you revealed to me your truth. It wasn’t until this admission that it all made sense. But I wasn’t shocked. It felt as though we were arriving upon the truth that was there the whole time. But along the way, I also realized, that I was in love with you. And in the most self-centered of intentions, I took it upon myself to share your secret, the one you entrusted me with care, the one that was first spoken aloud …