The following is the third chapter of a series titled, “Spring Awakening.” Within two months I dated two people who both played significant roles in shaping how I view life, love and happiness. What I learned along the way surprised me. This is Part Three. I absolutely loathe getting tickled. Every time I see a bitch coming at me with their arms spread out, fingers wiggling, indicating a sign of pure sadistic terror, I flinch, flail, scream and run away. It’s such a prevalent fear in my life that even if someone swiftly reaches out their hand to say, ‘hello’ or greet me with a surprise hug, I run for the hills. Genie loved to tickle me.
What will it take for us to stop feeling so ashamed about our bodies? On multiple occasions, I have found myself looking at the mirror, pulling and pushing at different body parts, struggling to imagine what my body would look like if I could just lose at least 15 pounds. I have had moments where I find myself completely disgusting and repulsive, so much so that I would make up excuses not to go out when I had plans. I’ve missed a wedding, two networking events, a halloween party, and several other events where my presence was requested. I even almost backed out of going to New York City for the first time, and had I listened to my insecurities, I never would have interned in NYC last summer. I have backed out and I have refused invites because I “didn’t feel good” when really, “I didn’t look good.” Or at least, that was what I would tell myself.
Oh LAWD. What am I doing…why am I on the floor right now…why am I crying? I knew leading up to this that I had yet to reach my low point, but I didn’t think it would happen on a night when my best friend was visiting me in New York City. Poor Penny. Homegirl didn’t know I was about to be leavin’ her at a New York nightclub on her first visit to the city. So much SMH on my end. So much emotional instability.