Meet the Spinsters

Robert Soares | Founder, Editor

@whatrobertsaid

robert

I recently left my small town life in Chandler, Arizona after being offered a public relations internship with CNN. So now, here I am, NYC LIVIN’. No one told me the summers here are awful. I’ve been fooled I tell you, fooled.

I’m kind of a mess (an organized mess) who lives for pop culture and being a bad ass (girl, I’m strugglin’). I am in the process of writing a book titled, “Skittles for Breakfast” about my tragic high school love life and the people from my teenage years who have made me who I am today.

The purpose of this blog is to connect with at least one person, a lost soul who has a free ticket to the Hot Mess Express. Well if you are that person, I’m here for you girl (man) I gotchu. I know what it’s like to be a single, career driven college student without prospects.

I’m probably just dramatic, but the drama of it all (not stupid high school drama, I mean the glamorization of your own failures and successes) is what fuels my desire to make a difference in this world. So if my relationship forecast tells me that I’ll become a lonely spinster with five dogs (I’m super allergic to cats), then so be it. I’ll claim my spinsterhood now and get it over with. Maybe then I will truly alter my future.

This is the diary of a gay spinster.

xoxo Robby Rob

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Kat Eugenio | Contributing Writer

@kathryneugenius

kathryn

Hello, my name is Kathryn Eugenio, and I’m a genius.

My hobbies including laying around without pants on, binge watching TV series, telling bad jokes, and ignoring texts from my friends. Which is why I was so surprised when I was asked to guest write on Diary of a Gay Spinster. Me? A spinster? What a goof!
I like to fuck with people, that’s what I do. Just call me Ms. Chan-and-ler Bong. I am comedy twinsies with Amir Valerie Blumenfeld. (As in Jake and Amir. Get with it.)

Somewhere along the lines, I was put in charge of a class of (bat shit insane) 3-year olds. Imagine this vulgar little shit molding the minds of the future. Somebody made a huge mistake. Don’t get me wrong, I was born to be a housewife. The creepiest housewife in Gilbert.

If you think I’m funny and want to be my summer best friend, submit an application—THINKING I’M FUNNY IS REQUIRED.

Make sure you follow Kat’s blog: www.kathryneugenius.wordpress.com

Sidnee Omphroy | Contributing Writer

@man_repellent

sidnee

Greetings, spinsters of the interwebs! My name’s Sidnee, but my friends call me Shitnee (I have really mean friends).

I’m 20 years young, have a great ass and a bangin’ personality! I am currently employed at Quiksilver where I greet strangers in an overly happy voice and fold t-shirts for a living. In my spare time, I enjoy eating Wetzel’s Pretzels, quoting Dumb and Dumber, chillin’ poolside, consuming mass amounts of alcohol, and working on my chocolately skin tone (I am still very pasty…being tan is harder than it looks).

Just throwing this out there, because I like to see the look of shock on people’s faces when I tell them… I AM half black…Just go ahead and let that sink in. Not sure if that was necessary information for you to know right off the bat, but fuck it, it’s funny. Or not funny at all depending on if your sense of humor is shitty or not.

I graduated high school in 2011 by cheating off all the dweebs and I didn’t go to college, so I am suuuper qualified to give you all life advice. So take it from someone who sees a therapist for having “issues” that are “concealed with humor”, because it will probably be a hell of a lot more entertaining than watching Dr. Phil. I like to think of myself as a half black, taller, cuter, more charming Yoda. So who wouldn’t want to listen to what I have to say?

Sydney Bowen | Contributing Writer

@sydneyleane

sydney

Hey girl (or boy), hey. My name is Sydney Bowen.

I am an aspiring Stylist, a self proclaimed comedian, a seasoned equestrian, and a nanny extraordinaire. I’ll snatch your kids up (from school and their various after school activities).

I often compare myself to the likes of Mindy Kaling and Chelsea Handler, minus the fact that I’m not an alcoholic or Indian. However, I love to critique celebs for their stupid choices they make a la Chelsea Handler, and have you ever seen The Mindy Project? I’m the 20, almost 21, white girl version of the main character. I haven’t decided if that’s a flattering or embarrassing comparison. It’s probably a little bit of both.

I’m probably not nearly as funny as I think I am, but even if my joke’s not funny, I invite you to laugh at my strange laugh. Or you can choose to laugh at the fact that I suck at relationships. Details to come.

Tiffany Hopkins | Contributing Writer

@tiffyhop

tiff

Wassup world!

My name is Tiff, but I think it’s really freaking cool when people refer to me as Tiffyhop. I created that name for myself on Twitter when Tiffhop was already taken, and I stuck with it because it has a nice little ring. I guess I’m just like other black people, always creating silly nicknames for themselves.

Anyways, that’s enough about my name, onto more info about ME. Only because I may be the best thing that will ever happen you.

I’m a 22-year-old journalism student at the Walter Cronkite School of Journalism at Arizona State University, and I’ll be a super senior this fall (please don’t judge, because I have no problem with the fact that I had to watch all of my classmates graduate while I sat alone, crying in the crowd.) Jk, that never happened…or did it?

So far, college has been a whirl wind for me, and like most college kids, it has pushed me to do some major soul searching. I’m keeping it very real when I say, “I went from being a shallow, plastic diva, to being an earthy weirdo chick.” I’d like to thank Oprah Winfrey, Lady Gaga and Beyonce for showing me their beautiful ways.

For the past two years I’ve viciously dedicated my life to writing, and I’m all about sharing things with the world that I believe to be true. I talk about anything that my little wandering mind thinks is relevant to life (and that includes a lot, so don’t you worry.)

That’s pretty much where I am as a writer, trying to make my way and help other peeps out while I do it. Ps…keep all negative vibes away from me, I preach that positive shit!

Make sure you follow Tiffany’s blog: www.tiffyhop.wordpress.com

Dave Ryan | Contributing Writer

@dav3ryan

david

Hi, I’m Dave.

I’ve always hated writing about myself, right up until now I understood why I can’t.

We want our words to be complex math equations.

We want every ounce of clever, humor, and wisdom squeezed out of us, illuminating points with a nuanced poise. As a writer we want to share every scandal, every rough edge, every admirable quality we know about people and the world they live in, it’s what move us to write. We want our words to be a high-resolution portrait to stand the test of time and era.

But people are like math in a universe without the laws of physics.

We’re born into the world with probabilities of chance and luck, exposed to the nature of whatever system we exist in. We’re bags of water and cells, created from DNA instruction, with a finite set of experiences, and assigned a thousand variables to describe ourself.

We’re just math. We’re supposed to have an answer, even if it’s not simple.

Wealth and love is supposed to equal happiness. Athletic and toned is supposed to reflect health. Lies are supposed to be wrong. The right thing is supposed to be simple. But you and I both know things are not this way. People are these radical outliers that can’t be predicted, or described, or understood.

We’re radioactive, always changing, always losing, always gaining: always at the mercy of fate in the moment we’re living in.

But I’ve realized it’s a good thing that I can’t write about myself. It means my life is rich and full. It means I’m learning and trying new things. It means I’m growing.

It has taught me everything about writing, including always leaving people wanting more.

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