All posts filed under: Year 25

Your Purpose Does Not Inform You of Your Destination

This is Lesson #3 of the Year 25 series. When I continued to ask the question, “When is it going to happen for me?” I grew increasingly restless. Fall to the floor praying to God-out for a run-two cups of coffee-and back on the floor again-restless. “When is it going to happen for me?” Where am I going? What is my purpose? Do I even have a purpose? All of the begging and pleading for direction had me acting hella extra. One night, I was overcome with these doubts. I thought that perhaps I should quit writing. I thought that maybe I’m not meant to have a blog and that I should move on to something else, maybe just focusing on being a good career girl. I could do that. I could be good at that. I told myself, “Nothing has ever happened with your blog. No one really reads it, just let it go.” I thought if I just worried about my day job, I wouldn’t have this problem. But something inside me said, “NAH.” …

I Turned a Man Into the Devil In Order to Rebuke Him

I turned a man into the devil in order to rebuke him. We did the dance. But never kissed. I didn’t want to lose him. *** [Year 24] I need you to hear me. Why can’t you see me? Don’t I deserve more precedence than this? The hardest part about all of this is that you live three thousand miles away. I lose all focus on my daily tasks; my mind is filled with thoughts of you, my dear. I am sick with fever, I got ass for days but today I don’t feel like it’s enough. I want to be enough for you. Am I enough for you? Tell me I’m the one. I need to hear it. You tell me why you love me but it’s not enough. My best friend thinks it’s cute but he’s the opposite of me: a hopeless romantic. I don’t trust him on this but I appreciate his fondness for your words because I know he cares. And he knows I care about you. I want you to …

I Have Always Known Who I Am but I Didn’t Know I Was Enough

Photos by Daniela Prieto.  [Year 24] Believing you are enough is really fucking hard. If a person calls me their soul mate, I’ll be enough, I thought. If I move to New York City, I’ll be enough.  If I’m amazing at my job, I’ll be enough. If I have many friends, I’ll be enough. These are the thoughts that became my way of living. And I was seemingly quite good at accomplishing each of these feats of gaining validation…of feeling enough. But as I looked closer, the more I realized, this had everything to do with me and nothing to do with what I thought defined me. The person I called soul mate didn’t know how to love the things about me I was insecure about (my writing, how I dressed, my body). I moved to New York City but felt so isolated because I didn’t actually think I deserved to be here.  Getting validation at a job doesn’t mean anything in the long-run if your job isn’t aligned with who you are. When I …