All posts filed under: Relationships

The First Cold Night

There is an airy silence tonight, the kind of silence that comes as snow falls lightly on a morning commute. I lie awake wondering if the morning will bring heart ache and regret or happiness and relief. This was the moment I was dreading, the moment that could cause so much pain but set me free so I could move on with my life. Newly 19-years-old, I had felt stuck ever since that night he took me out for coffee. I’ll never forget the text he sent me during Psychology class senior year: “Would you like to go on a date with me tonight? Love, Parker.” Oh, and he added a smiley face and a heart to the end of that text, as if it wasn’t bad enough already (so 2010 of him). The alarm clock in my head woke me up instantly but I decided to hit snooze and fall back asleep. In the clouds, of course. Robert is never the one to be realistic. So there I was, on a Thursday night, sipping a white chocolate non-fat …

I Was a Terrible Friend

When you met me I was broken, though neither of us knew it at the time. I was 21, you were 19. To you I was Zelda. To you, I didn’t care what other people thought and was unapologetically myself. By living openly in this way, perhaps I drew you in. Yet I was still struggling to grasp on to who I truly was, to see how I fit into the world. But I let you believe I was dazzling, because I found you incredibly alluring. I understood your interest pursuing my friendship on the day you revealed to me your truth. It wasn’t until this admission that it all made sense. But I wasn’t shocked. It felt as though we were arriving upon the truth that was there the whole time. But along the way, I also realized, that I was in love with you. And in the most self-centered of intentions, I took it upon myself to share your secret, the one you entrusted me with care, the one that was first spoken aloud …

When Sex Becomes Validation

He finished inside me. Got up, pulled off the condom and took it with him to the bathroom. I lied there naked, alone in the dark. I heard the shower turn on. As he washed himself off I pulled my clothes back on. I tried to find my underwear but it took me a second to locate them in the darkness. I pulled the curtains open just a bit to let the moonlight pour in. I found them, next to my side of the bed. He came but I hadn’t yet. He didn’t help me out there. But it’s OK. He’s the best I ever had. I don’t know any better. When he comes back to bed, he no longer wants to hold me. He turns away. I lie back down and find myself staring through the crack I made in the blinds, drawn to the moon glow illuminating San Francisco. He’s quiet. And within a few minutes, I know he’s asleep. My heart is full but my mind is clear. He’ll be the worst …

4 Things to Consider When Blogging About a Painful Relationship

I am no stranger to writing about other people. I started this blog when I was 20–a junior in college, and very problematic. As I continued sharing my story, I lived for the echo of others saying they shared the same experiences. I still live for that. In fact, it’s why I write, honestly. But in my earlier days, I would feel great about sharing my story most times, and then terrible at other times. I couldn’t figure out why some pieces didn’t sit right, but I did know that readers felt it too. It took me a year or so of writing to understand what I needed to do in order to move forward with writing about others. The four tips below might be helpful for your work and for your spirit. 1. Write in the moment things are happening, but don’t publish right away When emotions are high, writing is raw and limitless. It’s a heavy release of emotional vomit and inspiration tends to take a hold as I type or scribble furiously. This is an important part of the …

4 Tips on How to Stop Stalking Your Ex on Instagram

Hey boo hey. We have all been there, creepin’ on the person who’s no longer a part of your life, trying to see how they’re doing without ya. It’s addicting. It can become a sick game really. Especially when the other person is posting clues for you to come across. And then you react by posting something passive-aggressive. And then it’s just a mess, honey. Now, my most unhealthy relationships have never been with a boyfriend (because I haven’t exactly been in a relationship oops lmao) but hey, ya live and ya learn. The example I’ll be using to show you how I learned to stop stalking is not somebody I dated but most certainly had an intense relationship with, but that’s not important this is about the LESSONS below. Anyhoo, here are 4 tips on how to stop the stalking behavior. 1. You have to want to stop First step is most important because if you don’t want to stop then you won’t. Duh. So let’s start there. Typically it takes seeing something quite painful or …

I Turned a Man Into the Devil In Order to Rebuke Him

I turned a man into the devil in order to rebuke him. We did the dance. But never kissed. I didn’t want to lose him. *** [Year 24] I need you to hear me. Why can’t you see me? Don’t I deserve more precedence than this? The hardest part about all of this is that you live three thousand miles away. I lose all focus on my daily tasks; my mind is filled with thoughts of you, my dear. I am sick with fever, I got ass for days but today I don’t feel like it’s enough. I want to be enough for you. Am I enough for you? Tell me I’m the one. I need to hear it. You tell me why you love me but it’s not enough. My best friend thinks it’s cute but he’s the opposite of me: a hopeless romantic. I don’t trust him on this but I appreciate his fondness for your words because I know he cares. And he knows I care about you. I want you to …

Why We Have to Let Go of Our Soul Mates

Photo by Noemi Gonzalez. Perhaps you’ve felt it. A strange mystical connection with a person you just can’t seem to ignore. It’s difficult to understand but it’s there, instant, intense and vibrant. You hit it off right away and it’s as if you’ve known each other your entire life. But then things start to get hard, really hard. And soon, you find yourself in more pain and heartache over this person and less of the love and laughter you used to have. But this connection. This connection. It’s undeniable. It’s cosmic. It’s real. But the truth is, it’s not good for you. And at some point, you need to let go.