All posts filed under: Love

When Sex Becomes Validation

He finished inside me. Got up, pulled off the condom and took it with him to the bathroom. I lied there naked, alone in the dark. I heard the shower turn on. As he washed himself off I pulled my clothes back on. I tried to find my underwear but it took me a second to locate them in the darkness. I pulled the curtains open just a bit to let the moonlight pour in. I found them, next to my side of the bed. He came but I hadn’t yet. He didn’t help me out there. But it’s OK. He’s the best I ever had. I don’t know any better. When he comes back to bed, he no longer wants to hold me. He turns away. I lie back down and find myself staring through the crack I made in the blinds, drawn to the moon glow illuminating San Francisco. He’s quiet. And within a few minutes, I know he’s asleep. My heart is full but my mind is clear. He’ll be the worst …

I Turned a Man Into the Devil In Order to Rebuke Him

I turned a man into the devil in order to rebuke him. We did the dance. But never kissed. I didn’t want to lose him. *** [Year 24] I need you to hear me. Why can’t you see me? Don’t I deserve more precedence than this? The hardest part about all of this is that you live three thousand miles away. I lose all focus on my daily tasks; my mind is filled with thoughts of you, my dear. I am sick with fever, I got ass for days but today I don’t feel like it’s enough. I want to be enough for you. Am I enough for you? Tell me I’m the one. I need to hear it. You tell me why you love me but it’s not enough. My best friend thinks it’s cute but he’s the opposite of me: a hopeless romantic. I don’t trust him on this but I appreciate his fondness for your words because I know he cares. And he knows I care about you. I want you to …

I Have Always Known Who I Am but I Didn’t Know I Was Enough

Photos by Daniela Prieto.  [Year 24] Believing you are enough is really fucking hard. If a person calls me their soul mate, I’ll be enough, I thought. If I move to New York City, I’ll be enough.  If I’m amazing at my job, I’ll be enough. If I have many friends, I’ll be enough. These are the thoughts that became my way of living. And I was seemingly quite good at accomplishing each of these feats of gaining validation…of feeling enough. But as I looked closer, the more I realized, this had everything to do with me and nothing to do with what I thought defined me. The person I called soul mate didn’t know how to love the things about me I was insecure about (my writing, how I dressed, my body). I moved to New York City but felt so isolated because I didn’t actually think I deserved to be here.  Getting validation at a job doesn’t mean anything in the long-run if your job isn’t aligned with who you are. When I …

The Lesson I Learned In Letting Go of a Toxic Lover

Photo by Noemi Gonzalez.  This had gone beyond simply: “wrapped around his finger.” This was barbed wire coiled up within my sheets, trapping me inside my bed, leaving me too weak to even fight it. So all I did was sleep, hoping that one day I would understand that he and I were meant to be. But beneath my skin I knew that we were not. Sometimes two people develop an insane and passionate connection quickly–not for the purpose of being together in a healthy and loving relationship–but to pair perfectly with each other’s darkest inner selves. It sounds frightening, I know, but at the time it all went down, I didn’t seem to notice it. Being with him was like dancing with the devil. I felt alive, I felt free, I felt wild. I felt as if I could reach my full potential and destroy my empathetic nature to free myself from caring about the well being of other people. He brought out the beast in me that sought to succeed and do well by becoming malicious, conniving and destructive. With David, I felt …

How I Rose to Power in Sixth Grade and Got Scammed by My Teacher

Photo by Orlando Pelagio As an elementary school student, I was on fire. At an early age though, I also understood that I was controlling and full of myself. In first grade, I was the annoying kid who raised their hand to read just so I could show off the fact that I had been practicing at home in my room, devouring all of the Roald Dahl books I could find at the school library. It’s what landed me the role of ‘Narrator’ in our first grade production of The Great Kapok Tree. By second grade I solidified my role as teacher’s pet and became the adoptive child of my favorite teacher, Mrs. Winston. She was everything to me. She taught me all about other cultures and religions, including her Jewish family traditions. Her life seemed so much more fascinating than my boring Christian household. But in third grade, I wanted to fit in with the other kids. When my teacher told me that I was excelling at a fifth grade reading level, I tried to play dumb. I was put in the reading group …

I Thought I Had Walking Pneumonia but It Was Actually Depression

Photo by Orlando Pelagio.  The following takes place during the month of August 2016. I was glad I could squeeze in an appointment during my trip to Arizona. The nurse called me back to see my doctor. First she told me to get on the scale to check my weight. The number was shocking. For the past few years, I have never weighed more than 160 pounds and would fluctuate regularly between 154-160. Upon stepping on the scale, I weighed 188 pounds. “There must be some mistake. Should I take off my shoes?” I asked, even though I know science doesn’t work that way. “No, that won’t be necessary. This scale is accurate.” She said. The nurse proceeded to take me back to where I would be seen by my doctor. I had all my symptoms listed and ready to go because I am prepared, boo boo. I don’t enjoy going to the doctor, the dentist, (or the clinic) so I am always sure that when I do go, I am ready to let them know what’s going on …

Why We Have to Let Go of Our Soul Mates

Photo by Noemi Gonzalez. Perhaps you’ve felt it. A strange mystical connection with a person you just can’t seem to ignore. It’s difficult to understand but it’s there, instant, intense and vibrant. You hit it off right away and it’s as if you’ve known each other your entire life. But then things start to get hard, really hard. And soon, you find yourself in more pain and heartache over this person and less of the love and laughter you used to have. But this connection. This connection. It’s undeniable. It’s cosmic. It’s real. But the truth is, it’s not good for you. And at some point, you need to let go.

Short Talks: A Discussion on Creativity, Self-Reflection and Moving On

Hey boo hey! I met with my girl K. Short at Jobot Coffee to talk about some ish. Some real ish. Like career ish. Writing ish. Love ish. Personal growth ish. Creative ish. There’s six parts. Get into it. xoxo Robby Rob On writing… On archiving your life… On our last year and “fall awakening”… On moving on… On honoring your creativity… Follow K. Short on her YouTube channel, Facebook, Twitter and Instagram! 

If Liz Gilbert Sits Down Next To You, Try Not to Cry

I was fucking stoked to be there. Tucked away in the Napa Valley hills, we sat in a grand ballroom at the Meritage Resort and Spa. If it wasn’t for my boss co-sponsoring the event and buying my ticket, I would have had no business being there. Rich women dressed warmly, cozied up in name-brand scarves and coats from their department store of choice (Nordstrom or Bloomingdales, maybe) waiting in line to see their hero. My hero. Elizabeth Gilbert. I stood watching, absorbing their energy as they filled in with coffees or hot tea in hand. I felt completely at ease surrounded by liberal left-wing new-age enthusiasts. While most of the women were in their middle age, these were my people. These were my homegirls. I knew then that I would have no problem opening up during Liz Gilbert’s first-ever writers workshop. I also had no problem dressing the way I wanted to. Again, I was with my people. I felt it was necessary to break out my black cotton-blended man cape. Keep in mind that capes once made Oprah’s Favorite …