All posts filed under: Lifestyle

When Sex Becomes Validation

He finished inside me. Got up, pulled off the condom and took it with him to the bathroom. I lied there naked, alone in the dark. I heard the shower turn on. As he washed himself off I pulled my clothes back on. I tried to find my underwear but it took me a second to locate them in the darkness. I pulled the curtains open just a bit to let the moonlight pour in. I found them, next to my side of the bed. He came but I hadn’t yet. He didn’t help me out there. But it’s OK. He’s the best I ever had. I don’t know any better. When he comes back to bed, he no longer wants to hold me. He turns away. I lie back down and find myself staring through the crack I made in the blinds, drawn to the moon glow illuminating San Francisco. He’s quiet. And within a few minutes, I know he’s asleep. My heart is full but my mind is clear. He’ll be the worst …

4 Things to Consider When Blogging About a Painful Relationship

I am no stranger to writing about other people. I started this blog when I was 20–a junior in college, and very problematic. As I continued sharing my story, I lived for the echo of others saying they shared the same experiences. I still live for that. In fact, it’s why I write, honestly. But in my earlier days, I would feel great about sharing my story most times, and then terrible at other times. I couldn’t figure out why some pieces didn’t sit right, but I did know that readers felt it too. It took me a year or so of writing to understand what I needed to do in order to move forward with writing about others. The four tips below might be helpful for your work and for your spirit. 1. Write in the moment things are happening, but don’t publish right away When emotions are high, writing is raw and limitless. It’s a heavy release of emotional vomit and inspiration tends to take a hold as I type or scribble furiously. This is an important part of the …

I Turned a Man Into the Devil In Order to Rebuke Him

I turned a man into the devil in order to rebuke him. We did the dance. But never kissed. I didn’t want to lose him. *** [Year 24] I need you to hear me. Why can’t you see me? Don’t I deserve more precedence than this? The hardest part about all of this is that you live three thousand miles away. I lose all focus on my daily tasks; my mind is filled with thoughts of you, my dear. I am sick with fever, I got ass for days but today I don’t feel like it’s enough. I want to be enough for you. Am I enough for you? Tell me I’m the one. I need to hear it. You tell me why you love me but it’s not enough. My best friend thinks it’s cute but he’s the opposite of me: a hopeless romantic. I don’t trust him on this but I appreciate his fondness for your words because I know he cares. And he knows I care about you. I want you to …

I Have Always Known Who I Am but I Didn’t Know I Was Enough

Photos by Daniela Prieto.  [Year 24] Believing you are enough is really fucking hard. If a person calls me their soul mate, I’ll be enough, I thought. If I move to New York City, I’ll be enough.  If I’m amazing at my job, I’ll be enough. If I have many friends, I’ll be enough. These are the thoughts that became my way of living. And I was seemingly quite good at accomplishing each of these feats of gaining validation…of feeling enough. But as I looked closer, the more I realized, this had everything to do with me and nothing to do with what I thought defined me. The person I called soul mate didn’t know how to love the things about me I was insecure about (my writing, how I dressed, my body). I moved to New York City but felt so isolated because I didn’t actually think I deserved to be here.  Getting validation at a job doesn’t mean anything in the long-run if your job isn’t aligned with who you are. When I …

The Lesson I Learned In Letting Go of a Toxic Lover

Photo by Noemi Gonzalez.  This had gone beyond simply: “wrapped around his finger.” This was barbed wire coiled up within my sheets, trapping me inside my bed, leaving me too weak to even fight it. So all I did was sleep, hoping that one day I would understand that he and I were meant to be. But beneath my skin I knew that we were not. Sometimes two people develop an insane and passionate connection quickly–not for the purpose of being together in a healthy and loving relationship–but to pair perfectly with each other’s darkest inner selves. It sounds frightening, I know, but at the time it all went down, I didn’t seem to notice it. Being with him was like dancing with the devil. I felt alive, I felt free, I felt wild. I felt as if I could reach my full potential and destroy my empathetic nature to free myself from caring about the well being of other people. He brought out the beast in me that sought to succeed and do well by becoming malicious, conniving and destructive. With David, I felt …

If Liz Gilbert Sits Down Next To You, Try Not to Cry

I was fucking stoked to be there. Tucked away in the Napa Valley hills, we sat in a grand ballroom at the Meritage Resort and Spa. If it wasn’t for my boss co-sponsoring the event and buying my ticket, I would have had no business being there. Rich women dressed warmly, cozied up in name-brand scarves and coats from their department store of choice (Nordstrom or Bloomingdales, maybe) waiting in line to see their hero. My hero. Elizabeth Gilbert. I stood watching, absorbing their energy as they filled in with coffees or hot tea in hand. I felt completely at ease surrounded by liberal left-wing new-age enthusiasts. While most of the women were in their middle age, these were my people. These were my homegirls. I knew then that I would have no problem opening up during Liz Gilbert’s first-ever writers workshop. I also had no problem dressing the way I wanted to. Again, I was with my people. I felt it was necessary to break out my black cotton-blended man cape. Keep in mind that capes once made Oprah’s Favorite …

9 Reasons Why I’d Make a Wonderful Boyfriend

Last week, I posted nine reasons why I would make a terrible boyfriend. The items listed were accurate but I sure did receive a few text messages from friends saying I was too hard on myself. In an effort to make my friends happy and not completely ruin my mother’s chances of having grandchildren, I decided to share 9 reasons why I think I could possibly (maybe) make a good boyfriend.