All posts filed under: Front Page

Goodbye, Spinster

Hello my loves, Thank you for joining us for the final blog post of Queer Spinster. I’ve spent nearly 5 years documenting my life on this blog, as well as sharing powerful and hilarious essays by guest writers–but most importantly, this was a space for us to connect, to discuss our lives and the lessons we’ve learned through heartbreak, falling in love and finding ourselves. In dedicating time to heal and examine my life, I hope that I have brought you comfort in some way. I’ll always be here, open and available to chat. Seriously. Like call me, beep me if you wanna reach me. I love listening. I am so deeply honored to have had this platform and for us to grow as human beings together. I love you all. You have no idea. I wanted to take this last opportunity to share 9 lessons I’ve learned throughout this blog journey that I may have not already yet shared:  1. Anything we want from someone else is something we can provide for ourselves (but …

Why I’m Ending ‘Queer Spinster’

As some of you may already know, the final Queer Spinster blog post will be shared on July 3, 2017. And some of you may be wondering why. I began this blog (as Diary of a Gay Spinster) in late 2012 at 20 years old with a quest to relieve myself of feeling embarrassed by my own spinsterdom. In my first post, I began a simple call made of self-deprecation, to “claim the darkest parts of myself and find the humor in my own tragedy.” In an official introduction post, I wrote: “The purpose of this blog is to connect with at least one person, a lost soul who has a free ticket to the Hot Mess Express. Well if you are that person, I’m here for you. I know what it’s like to be a single, career driven college student without prospects. I’m probably just dramatic, but the drama of it all (not stupid high school drama, I mean the glamorization of your own failures and successes) is what fuels my desire to make …

RUNAWAY GIRL ♡ PART ONE

I KNOW NOW THAT THE DARKNESS I HAD SEEN WAS MY OWN SHADOW. * * * Cut it off, run now. Don’t look back. You must go missing for him to learn how to miss you. I pack my proverbial suitcase and head for the door. I look back and know that what is left will not be the same if I returned. But returning is not an option, at least not now. I must learn to keep my feet moving past the door, out to the street, into a cab and set dynamite across the bridge as I cross over the canyon. Never to return. Without him, I may never know if this house we painted pink would have ever been a home. With him, the walls breath in staggered paces, huffing and puffing as if their lungs had been filled for centuries with the toxic fumes of my own self-loathing—gasping to make out the word: “Run.” * * * But I do stop running. I return. From winter in Phoenix to a 79-degree night …

The Difference Between Fear and Trusting Your Gut

Fear is all consuming—it hits you like a ball of fire, it’s instant like foil sparking in a microwave. It’s blinding—chilling—leaves you avoiding all sense of who you are. Your gut allows time for you to analyze the situation. It’s a feeling that your foundation is at threat whereas fear is an avoidance of your foundation. Your gut collaborates with your brain. It allows it time to catch up. It’s patient at first but until you take notice it will continue to throb slowly, sending signals through your body to help wake up your mind. If fear is the devil, then God is your gut. Your gut says, “I love you, but you need to get out.” Fear has you out the door before you can even process what just happened. Fear is gunfire; your gut is a cease-fire. Your gut is knowingness. It doesn’t need a gunshot in the air to get your attention. It needs you to listen. It’s waiting for you to join it in silence. It’s calling you to stop what …

I’m Scared I’m Not Who They Think I Am (Or What They Want Me to Be)

I wrote this in my journal a couple weeks ago as I kept feeling the blockage of my own false belief system stifle me from living in the present–of feeling like I needed to be everything I could to belong. I am sharing for the same reason I always share my mess, to connect with people who feel it too.  I so desperately seek to not be lonely and yet I isolate myself in fear of seeming like a bore or disconnected. When I wake up, the list of things I want to accomplish are heavily overwhelming to the point where I just lie there contemplating what to do first. I have an idea of what I want to do and see being around people as distracting me from those tasks. But then I end up feeling lonely throughout my day wondering when I might happen upon a stranger who comes up to me in those moments and thrusts me into adventure. And clouded by my own trunk of tasks, if I do make the effort …

Never Be Afraid to Share Your Heart

In this life, I have learned that the ‘fear voice’ is not one to listen to when it comes to matters of the heart. Rather, it’s intuition, your inner spirit guide that can hold you up. It will show you the desires of your heart. If you trust in it, and arrive with pure intention, you are unbreakable. Speaking from my own experiences, I’ve held back on showing love to people from my past and present, all because I was afraid of what their reaction would be. Would they shut me down? Would they tell me I’m wrong? Would they respond at all? These questions are the fear. And by shutting these down, I clear all the blocks and listen to what my spirit is calling me to do. If your intention is to get a response at all, then you have to seriously think about your real intention. When you let the universe guide you to a calling, you may or may not receive the response you were looking for, but you will find the one …

Running Toward the Light (Part One)

The continuation of When Sex Becomes Validation.  Wild thing…let me stand in your light, show me what it’s like to be free. I roll my neck and close my eyes. Liberation sounds like you. * * * The concert was lovely. Magical, even. I had never listened to that band before but I knew any band that David loved, I would love too. It had been a long day of adventure in San Francisco. Day two crossed off the list. Night two was next. David knew I wanted to be bougie and take an Uber back to our temporary home, but he knew how to save a coin. We arrived at the bus stop. “Think about all the money you’ll save,” he says. I’m down to take the bus. I’m down to take it with him. And while I had just gotten promoted to Senior Account Executive with a salary increase and Christmas bonus, I chose to save that coin, only because it’s easier to do with David. The night before was exhilarating, but I played this game before. …

Winter as a Time of Healing

I hide away, holding myself close as my inner guide whispers softly, “Everything is going to be alright.” I stroke my left forearm with my right hand, up and down until my chest reduces to a steady drumbeat. I throw my hands up in the air, fall to my knees and say, “I surrender.” I surrender to the pain in that moment because it has a job to do. It has an occupation, a resume, a portfolio, an agenda. A briefcase, even. It came with a purpose. And I allow it to fulfill their duty. I allow myself to be audited, to mark down the notes of what is going on right now in this moment so it can be handled. I sit still for a moment to cry and as I finish crying, I smile. I smile because I know that while I purge the grainy, muddy goop that comes from the bellows beneath me—spilling out on to the floor—I know this also means a new era is coming. A fresh start, a stronger …

Stop Questioning How Much of a Bad Bitch You Are (Really Though)

Questioning your worth sounds like a drag, right? If you ever hear a friend say something like, “Well why does this person like me? What do they see in me?” the first thing you do as a good friend is say, “You’re fucking amazing, that’s why!” I am that friend. My friends are friend. My family is that friend. But for most of my life, I struggled with trying to be that friend to myself. I would always question why a guy I liked would be into me and then subconsciously ruin any chances for something beyond the second (sometimes first) date. “Wow, really? You think I’m beautiful??? STOPPPP!” “Oh come on, you think I’m funny? I’m honestly not like a comedian or anything, like I don’t know how to write jokes very well.” “Oh wow, you read my blog? That’s so weird, no one reads it. You think I’m a good writer? That’s so wild, dude!” Or even to a boss: “Aw really??? I’m doing a good job?? You want me to keep up the …

The First Cold Night

There is an airy silence tonight, the kind of silence that comes as snow falls lightly on a morning commute. I lie awake wondering if the morning will bring heart ache and regret or happiness and relief. This was the moment I was dreading, the moment that could cause so much pain but set me free so I could move on with my life. Newly 19-years-old, I had felt stuck ever since that night he took me out for coffee. I’ll never forget the text he sent me during Psychology class senior year: “Would you like to go on a date with me tonight? Love, Parker.” Oh, and he added a smiley face and a heart to the end of that text, as if it wasn’t bad enough already (so 2010 of him). The alarm clock in my head woke me up instantly but I decided to hit snooze and fall back asleep. In the clouds, of course. Robert is never the one to be realistic. So there I was, on a Thursday night, sipping a white chocolate non-fat …