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Goodbye, Spinster

Hello my loves,

Thank you for joining us for the final blog post of Queer Spinster. I’ve spent nearly 5 years documenting my life on this blog, as well as sharing powerful and hilarious essays by guest writers–but most importantly, this was a space for us to connect, to discuss our lives and the lessons we’ve learned through heartbreak, falling in love and finding ourselves.

In dedicating time to heal and examine my life, I hope that I have brought you comfort in some way. I’ll always be here, open and available to chat. Seriously. Like call me, beep me if you wanna reach me. I love listening.

I am so deeply honored to have had this platform and for us to grow as human beings together. I love you all. You have no idea.

I wanted to take this last opportunity to share 9 lessons I’ve learned throughout this blog journey that I may have not already yet shared: 

1. Anything we want from someone else is something we can provide for ourselves (but maybe don’t know it yet)

If there is something you want someone to give you such as be your biggest supporter, tell you you’re pretty, make you number one, or make you feel smart, these are innate desires of what our souls are trying to tell our mind we can already do! You can be your biggest supporter, you can make yourself feel the most pretty.

So if someone isn’t meeting your needs, think about what those needs are and ask yourself, “If I can provide this for myself, will I still need them?” By trusting in our inner power, we are connecting with the love of the universe.

Once we do that, we can enter a relationship with our needs already met, and allow the relationship to be a celebration of both selves. Real love isn’t possessive or needy, real love is freedom.

‘The Spinster Begins’ (September 2012 – February 2013)

2. The way we feel about ourselves will show up in the world around us

Your thoughts shape your reality. I used to go through life thinking I was so ugly and hideous. There were times I wrote about on this blog where I hated the way I looked so much that I often had suicidal thoughts. The same notions ran through my mind: “Who could want me?” “I’m not cute enough for someone else to find me attractive.” Thus it began to reflect in my life. Guys would ignore me at bars, I could never get a date and certainly never asked out. When I look back at pictures of my 22 and 23-year-old self, I was quite good-looking. But my attitude and thoughts had shaped my reality so I could hardly even notice the guys who were interested—nor could I accept their interest.

It wasn’t until I began to change those thoughts when I felt I was attractive. Not to say that guys were throwing themselves at me or anything, but I was attracting the right guys, the guys who could also see the beauty I began to see in myself.

This goes for any self-conscious feeling you may have about yourself. Self-consciousness and self-awareness are two different things. Self-consciousness creates a bias around reality, whereas self-awareness sees things exactly as they are.

Photos by Sara Nevels, October 2013

Spring Awakening,’ Photos by Alexis Kramer, April 2014

3. Our minds and our spirits are meant to expand—and so are our bodies

Often times I would think that if I were prettier or taller, then perhaps I would be able to live out my soul’s desire. But the truth is, while the universe placed my soul in this body with a purpose, it’s also meant to grow and change as my mind and soul do. How I appear on the outside does not inform how I feel on the inside.

This means you are allowed to break barriers of what people think is real. It’s breaking down societal and gender constructs. It’s following the soul’s calling. Recently I’ve discovered that a way through finding my purpose is to think beyond my physical limitations. I am not restricted to the way my body is recognized in this world, we are not restricted to how people see us. Our soul’s purpose is always to achieve what it needs to and if it’s placed in this body it is our God-given right to let our souls and our minds inform the body of what to do or how to reflect us, in the same way our body informs our mind, and informs the soul.

Do not allow yourself to feel trapped, free yourself and know that evolving on the outside carries just as much importance as evolving on the inside.

On the set of ‘Diary of a Gay Spinster: A Look Inside‘ by Wired Elephant Studios. All people in this photo mean so much to the Spinster journey. From left to right: Tiffany Hopkins, Rosemarie Dombrowski PhD, Sara Nevels, Rashinda Bankhead, Chris Smith, Holly Smith.

Fall Awakening,’ Photos by Noemi Gonzalez, November 2014

Photos by Noemi Gonzalez, July 2015

4. Every relationship is an assignment

I’m taking a line here from Gabby Bernstein but my heavens it is true! I learned that the people I chased or longed to be with were a reflection of how I felt about myself. I never went for the type who liked me back, I always liked the ones who didn’t.

Instead of filling myself up with love, I looked to someone else to do it for me, and in doing so, I only manifested people who saw me in the same way I saw myself. My false belief story was “Robert, you’re pretty dope, but not dope enough to be anything great.” I knew that I held the power to be my best self and showed glimpses into that but never committed myself fully to becoming more true to who I am. It’s no wonder I attracted men who also saw my light as intense and bright, but were unable to commit to being with me. My lack of love for myself lead to others feeling scared to love me.

I went through this assignment with several different people until I finally broke the cycle earlier this year.

What are your patterns? What is the assignment you must learn in order to grow and transform?

WONDROUS,’ Photos by Noemi Gonzalez, December 2015

5. Crying is a sign of healing

In each moment we embrace our pain, we are making moves on a healing path. So much of our emotions, experiences and traumas stay stuck inside our muscles, in our skin, in our minds. By facing our pain head on, we release it. It’s like sweating out toxins, it must be released in order for us to heal. And much like any wound, it may itch and irritate the fuck out of you while it becomes a scar, but that’s what it takes to heal. Don’t run away from pain, run toward it.

The day before I left Phoenix, AZ and moved to Brooklyn, Photos by Orlando Pelagio, March 2016

Hello New York, March 2016 – June 2016

6. The purest dreams and visions you’ve seen since childhood were put there for a reason and are meant to be explored

The purest desires of your heart will show up in numerous ways that reach out to you, grab you and try to make you listen. Often times we are brought down by trauma or the belief that we are not worthy of fulfilling our purpose thus we doubt ourselves and never fully go for the gold. Well, life is fucking short.

At 25 I know this to be true now more than ever. Don’t just focus on who you may become, be that person now, every single day, in each moment. I have accepted that I spent most of my life doubting who I was and veered off into other avenues to find fulfillment. But each time I was brought back to the core of who I am as a person. Who are you really? What is at the foundation of who you are? What strong visions do you remember as a child? These past six months I’ve remembered more and more who I truly wanted to be as a kid, and now see myself becoming that person. Honor your inner child. Make them happy. Make them proud.

Year 25,’ Photos by Daniela Prieto, December 2016

The Queer Spinster Book Club, Photos by Natasha Minoso and Allison Wachtel, February 2017

7. Comparison destroys…it is the root of judgement

When we compare ourselves to others, whether it’s to say we are better than or inferior, we are making an instant judgement that block us from love and growth. Continually using others as a measure to your own success or failures will never allow you to be grateful for the blessings you’ve been given. The best way to release these thoughts of feeling less than or better than is gratitude.

When we practice gratitude, we are happy for those around us who are succeeding and able to give to those who may be on a detour and need our help. Gratitude fills up our cup to be focused on who we are, what we are meant to do and to radiate love all around us.

8. If you continue to feel taken advantage of, consider your intention of being nice

This was a HUGE ah-ha moment for me. I’m sure some of you have experienced this too, feeling like you give and give and give, and people still come back asking for more, taking advantage of what a kind generous person you are.

Oprah Winfrey admitted she went through this in an interview with Brene Brown. She talked about intention and how the intention behind your actions is what informs the result. Not the action itself, the intention. Last year I tried to understand why a friend would show no appreciation for my kind acts or even give much of anything in return. I felt used and not valued. But this intention thing spoke to me. Oprah said her intention deep down in performing acts of kindness was so that she felt like she was doing the ‘nice thing,’ helping people so they would think that she was nice in return.

When I finally fell in love with my body…March 2017

I never wanted to be known as the ‘bad friend’ or ‘the friend you can’t count on’ so I gave and gave. But the truth is, I was unable to give all the time. If you are not full for yourself, you can not give anything. So set boundaries, and don’t blame other people or victimize yourself as this giving martyr that no one cares about. Understand your intentions. Are you doing something nice to feel validated in return? Are you doing something nice because you’re afraid the person won’t like you if you don’t? Allow everything to be guided by intention and focus on what your soul can truly give. This does not mean you have to be stingy, it’s about being in touch with who you are and how you can best give love without giving away your soul.

Spring 2017

9. You are loved, my darling

They say the things we seek to teach are the things we are trying to teach ourselves. I would say my greatest mission has been for people to love and celebrate themselves, something I certainly needed to learn for myself.

Self-love is where true power lies. It’s in this love that we are connected to love all around us. It allows us not to sacrifice but to give without resentment. Love is freeing, it is not restricting, it is not possessive. When we love ourselves, we can love people for who they are, not what they can give us.

Here is my message to you:

May you continue to fill yourself up with so much love that you’re able to share it with others.

May you find strength from within and connect your inner power.

May you never be defined by what someone thinks of you and know that because you love yourself, you know what it looks like when someone doesn’t treat you like the queen you are.

May you always get to the truth of who you are and who you’re meant to be in this world, freeing yourself from the doubt you used to carry like a purse.

May you always live presently, express yourself, find freedom in doing what you love and shine your light for others who need it and recognize it.

May you all be teachers and healers, may you all understand that we are one, we are all connected, we are all the same. 

I love you.

Signing off for the last time. I love you so much. The community we’ve created together will forever be remembered.

xoxo Robby Rob

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2 Comments

  1. T. says

    I love you so much and I am happy you found yourself. I hope you now find and accept the love of your life. 😊

  2. 💓💞 you are so gifted. Thank you for always sharing such a huge part of your soul. We are blessed to exist at the same time as you.

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