As some of you may already know, the final Queer Spinster blog post will be shared on July 3, 2017. And some of you may be wondering why.
I began this blog (as Diary of a Gay Spinster) in late 2012 at 20 years old with a quest to relieve myself of feeling embarrassed by my own spinsterdom. In my first post, I began a simple call made of self-deprecation, to “claim the darkest parts of myself and find the humor in my own tragedy.”
In an official introduction post, I wrote:
“The purpose of this blog is to connect with at least one person, a lost soul who has a free ticket to the Hot Mess Express. Well if you are that person, I’m here for you. I know what it’s like to be a single, career driven college student without prospects.
I’m probably just dramatic, but the drama of it all (not stupid high school drama, I mean the glamorization of your own failures and successes) is what fuels my desire to make a difference in this world. So if my relationship forecast tells me that I’ll become a lonely spinster with five dogs (I’m super allergic to cats), then so be it. I’ll claim my spinsterhood now and get it over with. Maybe then I will truly alter my future.
This is the diary of a gay spinster.”
– A Proper Introduction, (January 2013)
20-year-old me mentioned things like “humor in my own tragedy” and “claiming the darkest parts of myself.”
And then of course, I still ended my mission with:
Maybe by doing so, I will truly alter my future.
That part stands out to me now at 25 as I can see that while my quest began as a means to make light of my own spinsterhood and make people laugh, I now sit upon a mountain top of clarity. It has been revealed to me that what my soul really sought to break free from, was the perception of spinsterhood, something I now refer to as the perception of victimhood.
It was just last month when my best friend said to me, “You write a lot about being a victim in some way, but you don’t talk as much about being a bad ass bitch.”
While there have been moments of bad-assness on the blog, they tended to be a result of an “I shall overcome” type narrative, where something bad happened, I internalized it completely, went mad for a few weeks, then rose from the ashes with an inspirational story to tell and lessons to share. This was all part of the growth yes, it was all set with good intentions, and it was undeniably my truth.
But I’ve come to realize that while it was what I saw to be true, I wasn’t looking beyond fully. The question changed from “how do I rise above?” to “what the fuck am I rising from?”
Underneath the humor, underneath the inspiring tellings, underneath the dramatic photo shoots, tucked far behind my peripherals, lied the perception, “I am not worthy of being loved.”
As I found strength in vulnerability and telling my story, I found the lie in my own perception of the truth. In other words, with this blog I had to claim the lie. I had to speak it. I had to keep speaking it until I recognized it. And somehow 20-year-old me still could forsee that by doing so, perhaps I really could alter my future, perhaps I would really find my truth, and stand in the knowing that I am loved.
Over the past six months I’ve grown farther and farther away from my old perceptions of victimhood, and in this knew that words have power. A friend reminded me of this. As long as I held on to the spinster title, the same stories, the same cycle, would continue. It was my entire life and being and I had outgrown it.
So with that, I have decided to end the blog. I will keep writing and creating, but in the next phase of my work it will be from a new spectrum of colors, a liberated sense of self, a new perception.
This blog, no matter how muddled my version of the truth had been at times, was always to serve a higher purpose. I always wrote with good intentions. And with those good intentions came such wondrous and magical things. I’ll never know how this blog may have affected you or inspired you (or maybe you have already told me directly), but I can end it knowing that there was nothing but love and passion poured into this project. It is simply time to begin the next chapter.
I hope to see you on July 3 for the final post.
I love you. And may you always know you are absolutely worthy of being loved.
xoxo Robby Rob