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I’m Scared I’m Not Who They Think I Am (Or What They Want Me to Be)

I wrote this in my journal a couple weeks ago as I kept feeling the blockage of my own false belief system stifle me from living in the present–of feeling like I needed to be everything I could to belong.

I am sharing for the same reason I always share my mess, to connect with people who feel it too. 

I so desperately seek to not be lonely and yet I isolate myself in fear of seeming like a bore or disconnected.

When I wake up, the list of things I want to accomplish are heavily overwhelming to the point where I just lie there contemplating what to do first. I have an idea of what I want to do and see being around people as distracting me from those tasks. But then I end up feeling lonely throughout my day wondering when I might happen upon a stranger who comes up to me in those moments and thrusts me into adventure. And clouded by my own trunk of tasks, if I do make the effort to push forth I wonder if I’ll be any fun at all–will I be distracted by the things I could be doing and seem off, tired and devoid of energy?

Sometimes I think maybe I don’t know who I am. I know who I want to be, I see who I could be or what I should be to get on, but is that really me? I’m not sure. It’s as if I am striving to hang on to the present, to find my power and unleash it to feel unstoppable but not every day is like that.

When I am out with friends the thoughts going through my mind are, “Am I fun enough?” “Am I being too much?” “Do they find me interesting?”

Because I see everyone as interesting and wondrous but can’t quite seem to grasp that internally for myself. I think that maybe they will see me as a fraud. That the online version I portray sparks their own idea of who they think I am but are mistaken to find that I am not what they had believed to be true.

I’m afraid I’ll say the wrong thing, I’ll have the wrong outfit–maybe I’m not pretty enough to take a picture with them, maybe I don’t fit into what they see as perfect.

I’m learning to denounce the things that block me from being that of light and being present with people. Blocking out the questions that challenge my sense of belonging.

I don’t want to turn down invitations to connect simply due to fear of abandoning myself and all that I am. I love to feel the wind slide up behind me and push me forward, it’s nice to feel the force that keeps me moving ahead. If I hold on to that, I know that we all are just trying to do our best, living with the quest to find out who the fuck we are.

Believe me when I say my intentions are good, even when it might not seem that way.

I may seem like I need to be all the things of my dreams but the one thing that runs constant through each version of myself is the desire for one thing:

freedom.

xx Manulani

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1 Comment

  1. Eric Ellertson says

    I feel so connected to this but in a way that I am not sure directly reflects the main idea of this post.

    Ie: Today I woke up in seattle, with my travel partner and we were out and about and he wanted to check out a clothing boutique he was in love with the last time we visited. I wore what I normally wear and feel comfertable with.. but I suddemly found my reflection in the buildings nearby.. and I picked myself apart. “You look like a doofus, a chubby pale awakward loser that looks completely out of place.”

    That I normally enjoy myself but then shut myself down and went into a downward spiral internally and felt super less than, when really that could all just be the demons inside telling me Im not good enough, interesting enough, fashionable enough…

    When really that doesnt matter. That I am artistic, creative, caring, hilarious, and a good person… I dont know why we shut ourself s down. It is rediciulous.

    We are more than what we think, and we may never truly get to see our own shine. Its like the campfire doesnt get to see the brightness it shines on others because it only knows itself, it doesnt get to see what it casts.

    Or something.
    Love you.

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