I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing tbh.
I sit here, cold and lost without much direction or clear passion. I have started a new job, shifted my perspective on past messy relationships (healed from the mess my body endured) and thinking that maybe I got the chutzpah to really make it out here in these streets. But alas, I am still a hot ass mess. I have lost and found myself enough times to know that this will pass, but the beginning of a new journey is the pits. It’s always the starting over that becomes most difficult.
For a second, it seemed like everything was quite clear, that I was reaching new levels of consciousness toward a higher, more stable state. But I look over and say hello to my dear friend Disaster and he seems to know me like the friend you try to leave behind because they were just too clingy.
“Oh, you again,” he says.
I know this moment will pass, I know that eventually the Bold Bitch Goddess will swoop in, lift me to the heavens and drop me into a divine moment. But until then I will dream of being lifted up, I will dream about the exhilaration of falling, and I will dance in the dark with a vodka-pineapple in hand, letting the synths put me in a trance and asking the beat to keep me moving. Maybe this moment is divine too, and it’s just too overwhelming to even embrace it, to recognize it, to smell it.
Who I am today is far from the person I was a year ago. When I look back, I am proud of myself. When I look ahead, I am weary. And this is the process every time. I am a collection of paradoxes. I am both delusional as well as hyperaware of the impending doom of destruction. I am both full and empty. I am both charming and closed off. Yesterday I thought that maybe I could be a life coach and today I think I may be better off in a commune somewhere in upstate, embracing minimalism and syphoning myself from media or any leftover ambitions I have left.
Perhaps I just need to sleep more, eat better and want less.
Perhaps I just need to wait it out and see what tomorrow will bring.
The one good thing I know for sure will come from this is empathy. When you face pain and confusion head on like this, empathy is the one thing that will always result from it. That is, if you choose to let it.
I thought that I had to appear perfect in order to get what I want, but as it turns out I have an innate need to talk about being a hot ass mess. I may not have my shit together, but at least I am free.