This is Lesson #3 of the Year 25 series.
When I continued to ask the question, “When is it going to happen for me?” I grew increasingly restless.
Fall to the floor praying to God-out for a run-two cups of coffee-and back on the floor again-restless.
“When is it going to happen for me?”
Where am I going? What is my purpose? Do I even have a purpose?
All of the begging and pleading for direction had me acting hella extra.
One night, I was overcome with these doubts. I thought that perhaps I should quit writing. I thought that maybe I’m not meant to have a blog and that I should move on to something else, maybe just focusing on being a good career girl. I could do that. I could be good at that. I told myself, “Nothing has ever happened with your blog. No one really reads it, just let it go.”
I thought if I just worried about my day job, I wouldn’t have this problem. But something inside me said,
Still, I was so shook in the night. I couldn’t sleep. I was a hot ass mess. So in an effort to calm myself, I picked up a book I ordered on Amazon but hadn’t yet read. The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav. (Oprah said to buy it so of course I was happy to oblige).
In my dramatic way of speaking to the universe, I said, “Lord, may I open this book to the excerpt I need to read.” So I did that thing where you shuffle the pages like an accordion and I opened the book to a random page.
I couldn’t really find what I was looking for.
That’s when God was like, “honestly, just look at the table of contents.”
So I did. And that’s when I began to read about authentic power.
I read the words: “Authentic power is when your personality aligns with the purpose of your soul.”
I had heard this before. Oprah would talk about it all the time. And I thought I had understood.
All my life I’ve been told, “oh you’re special.” Even when I couldn’t see it myself. By friends, family, teachers, bosses, etc. I didn’t really know what it meant but I kept thinking, “Well damn if I’m so special what the hell am I doing with my life then? Why am I not more successful?”
But when I picked up The Seat of the Soul and really read about authentic power, I had an instant smack to the head of clarity. I realized that since I first heard the quote about my “personality aligning with the soul,” I was expecting my soul to serve my personality, instead of my personality serving my soul.
I’m a loud ass person.
Dramatic as hell.
Quick on my feet.
These are traits of my personality. Society seems to think of these traits as something “special.” So all of my validation was placed on these things, telling me that I was meant for “something great” and eventually it began to weigh on me that perhaps I will never reach a moment of greatness. Or worse: I’m just lying to myself and I’m not meant for anything great at all.
And so I explored what it means to serve your soul with your personality. I read how your soul makes a contract with the universe before it even enters your body. It has shit to do, it’s got places to be. And it will use your personality to get shit done.
I am loud, so I want to be heard.
I am lively so I want to feel alive.
I am dramatic as hell so I express myself extremely.
I am charming so I know how to get what I want.
I am curious so I want to learn.
I am quick on my feet so I want to know learn faster.
I am a transmitter so I know how to say what I’ve learned in a way that people understand.
Our souls sees our personality traits and wants us to use them. It’s our job to use our traits to serve our souls. And when we serve our souls, we serve a higher power.
We serve our purpose.
That’s when I got it. I understood. This whole time I’m boo-hoo’n and on the floor like GOD WHEN AM I GONNA BE A SUCCESS, WHERE AM I GOING?? WHAT IS MY PURPOSE??? When really, my only purpose is to live every single day serving my soul. In every moment and in the best way I can. Not by figuring out where my soul is taking me but by being still and waiting for its instruction.
“This is what you do next.”
I have learned that ambition can be overbearing if misguided. Ambition is to keep you driven for the vision. It’s to keep you moving through the bullshit. What was messing with me was trying to figure out my destination. But your soul is just trying to get you to the next step. If we all knew our supreme moments of destiny, then our ambition would be diminished. You can only reach those moments through the lessons and the pain, through heartbreak and joy and gratitude. Your soul needs you to be grateful in every moment. There’s no divine anything without gratitude. And you can’t be grateful if you know the vision that the universe has for you.
So no, I’m not special. And those are the most freeing three words to say. Because now I’m not worried about fulfilling some “special purpose” and just focused on fulfilling what my soul is guiding me to do now. We all have this power. We all have the capability to have authentic power. And what your gifts are may be different but they’re your gifts. We all have our own path, our own purpose. By knowing this, I know I am not special. We are everyone. We are each other.
There is no such thing as failure. Failure is only when you’re not honoring your soul’s true purpose. It’s ignorance, it’s hate.
When you let your soul be the guide, you are helping fulfill your soul’s contract with the universe. That’s success. I’ll continue to serve my soul by honoring the present moment, doing the things that I love, doing my best, setting the right intention, and going where it needs me.
After I came to these realizations on that fateful night of mess to clarity, I received a text from one of my dearest friends. It was a link. To a blog post that she wrote.
She had been telling me for a few weeks that she wanted to start writing more. She’s brilliant and has a beautiful spirit. I was excited to read what she had to say. The piece was vulnerable, empowering, inspiring, it moved me. And if I wasn’t already emotional enough, after I finished reading she said,
“You inspired me.”
And what she didn’t realize in that moment was she inspired me. I was just about to give up writing and here she was, reminding me what my soul’s true purpose is in that moment. I won’t take credit for her writing and sharing the post, I give God that credit. I thank God for using me to help her. I thank God for using her to help me.
And that’s all I want to be:
To my soul.
To the world.
Photos by Daniela Prieto.