I turned a man into the devil in order to rebuke him.
We did the dance.
But never kissed.
I didn’t want to lose him.
I need you to hear me. Why can’t you see me? Don’t I deserve more precedence than this? The hardest part about all of this is that you live three thousand miles away.
I lose all focus on my daily tasks; my mind is filled with thoughts of you, my dear. I am sick with fever, I got ass for days but today I don’t feel like it’s enough. I want to be enough for you. Am I enough for you? Tell me I’m the one. I need to hear it.
You tell me why you love me but it’s not enough. My best friend thinks it’s cute but he’s the opposite of me: a hopeless romantic. I don’t trust him on this but I appreciate his fondness for your words because I know he cares. And he knows I care about you. I want you to tell me the things I want to hear.
I want you to tell me that I am fine as hell.
That my art has a purpose.
That I am fine as hell.
That I look good in this outfit.
That I am fineeeee as helllllll.
I need that. Will you give me that?
I think back to our trip in Seattle. I wish we could go back. To that apartment. To that kitchen. I want you to make me fall in love with you again because in those precious moments I felt like I could fall in love with myself. But each time I got closer to that glorious arrival, you pulled the rug out from under me. Shut it down. Shut me down.
I don’t know how to feel you unless are inside of me. So I wait for the night to come when we wake each other up at 2am, fire in us both, and you take me.
There is a full moon out tonight and I realize you are bad for me.
You call a boy beautiful on Instagram. I see the comment.
I dramatically proclaim to you that I want you to call me beautiful.
Your response: “beauty is a construct.”
This is not going to work for me. I am working for your approval, for your validation. And if validation is what I need, then maybe you don’t love me the way I love you.
Maybe our run around the track is not what it seems. I think that perhaps I am so stupid for not seeing it sooner.
When I think of you I think of what I could become, but all that comes to mind is being your support. But who will support me?
I give you all of me and you don’t just take it for granted, you take advantage. I want to know that I can trust you but every cell in my body tells me that I can’t. You say that you are ready for us to be together, to live together but you say this now that I live in New York. So now I assume you’ve been manipulating me to get here. You said you loved me before I lived here and I get that.
But I also know you are an opportunist.
My love is an opportunity.
Tonight I called you drunk. I told you I want to die. I told you I know you don’t really love me. I want you to worry. I want you to tell me that you love me and that everything is going to be OK. I want you to tell me that I am all that matters. You scold me. You tell me I am bothering you. You are with your mother. Now I feel bad. I feel worse. I don’t know what to do. I realize I am stupid. I just want you to love me, why don’t you love me?
You continue saying the words, “I love you, I love you.”
The words float like a beautiful bubble that pops in the air within seconds. Tell me something I can hold on to.
I have to let you go. Again.
The biggest blessing in all of this is that you are three thousand miles away.
I write about us on my blog. Our relationship. I call it toxic.
Because it was toxic. I say being with you was like dancing with the devil. I spoke on your life. On behalf of you. I claim what I believed to be true. And while I don’t call you by your name, and while no one truly knows or cares to know who I am referencing, there are words laden here and there that show I am still in pain. It is raw and honest, but filled with pain. It ended with hope, with a search for understanding, but still very much with pain. My intention in sharing the piece is to help others feel like they are not alone, but my future self will tell me to wait to share until I’ve healed.
After all, the only way I know how to stay away from you is to believe you are the devil. And it shows.
Months go by again and while it’s easier now to stop looking at unblocking you from Instagram for a minute just to see what you’ve been up to, I feel like I haven’t let you go. At first I blame this on you. I think to myself that perhaps you haven’t let me go yet. But of course, I hold the power. It is my life after all.
When I visited home for Thanksgiving I got to visit with my spiritual guide & healer. She laid out a stack of Isis Oracle cards and tells me to draw one. I chose a card. I drew The Pyramid of Light.
PYRAMID OF LIGHT: As a being growing in significant light, darker energies can become more attracted to you. There is nothing to fear and only more mastery and awareness of the power and protection of Divine Love to experience. You can deal with any interference. The Pyramid of Light confirms that energies have been causing interference with your path and it is time now to end that with LOVE AND COMPASSION.
As I think back to this, I remember the only way to let you go is through love and compassion.
So I love you by letting you go. I begin to love you by removing the devilish stigma I’ve built around you. I love you by freeing myself of the burden to hate you. I love you by loving me, by living for me, so you can free yourself from the burden of me hating you. I love you by seeing you as human, as a person, not a devil.
I love you by letting you go. I love you by cherishing you as a teacher. I love you by seeing you as a blessing. As a mirror. As a person who woke me up and set me out on a spiritual quest to find the answers I’ve been looking for.
I love you by finding peace in us being over. I love you by hoping that you find peace too (if you haven’t already found it).
Feeling love and compassion for you doesn’t make us right for each other. But it may make us whole again.
By sending out love and light your way, it has freed me of hating you, and in the absence of hate, all I could see is what was left: me. By sending love and light, I have gotten to the root of what I needed and why I needed it.
Seeing you as the devil said more about my own demons than yours. I can’t speak for you. I don’t know your life. I can’t control what you see or how you see me. It’s on me to decide how I see myself. The only thing in life I can control is how I pay attention to it. It’s not about what someone did or what they said to me. It’s never about that.
When you know truly know who you are, no one can touch you.
So, the problem was never you. You were simply a reflection of the things I already thought about myself.
The things that bothered me most were things that came from within. But in your absence I’ve come to love how I look, trust in the way I choose to express myself in how I dress, and find great joy in writing. And I didn’t learn these things because you “are no longer in my way.” I learned these things because I am no longer looking for your approval.
In the end, you are beautiful. I am beautiful. And by sending light to you, I found the darkness in me.
Now I truly feel my heart healing.
xoxo Robby Rob
I turned a man into the devil in order to feel free.
But then I learned.
By casting light.
The devil was in me.
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Photos by Daniela Nepita.