Last week, I posted nine reasons why I would make a terrible boyfriend. The items listed were accurate but I sure did receive a few text messages from friends saying I was too hard on myself. In an effort to make my friends happy and not completely ruin my mother’s chances of having grandchildren, I decided to share 9 reasons why I think I could possibly (maybe) make a good boyfriend.
1. I have no shame
On a hot summer night in 2009, I cut a line of small children at the premiere of High School Musical 3, just so I could have center seat in the middle row. Sometimes you have to be shameless to get what you want, so let me know what you need, boo and I’ll make it happen.
2. I get a discount at Red Lobster
But only the one in Gilbert, Arizona. I used to work there. I can guarantee you a fine dining experience complete with cheddar bay biscuits. I even have an “in” with the manager there so we would never have to wait longer than 15 minutes for a table.
3. I’m super smart and cultured
I’m a lover of the classics, you know. An all-around educated scholar. I mean, one time I started reading the The Great Gatsby. It was pretty good. But I will say though, I stopped ten pages in to play the Lana Del Rey song that’s in the movie and then I sort of forgot to continue reading after that.
4. I will cook for you
I already get hype off feeding my friends, so trust you’ll always be fed. (Even if sometimes I do burn things like microwave popcorn). You want pasta? BOOM, bitch, I made you pasta. You want quinoa? I got that quinoa salad recipe on lock. Endless possibilities. And I better not EVER catch you getting fed by some of these other queens around here. I’ll make sure they’re never able to set foot into a Whole Foods again without having traumatic flashbacks to me chasing them with a Pampered Chef skillet. Run and tell that.
5. I eat more than anyone I know
I literally eat like I’m Shrek. You’ll never feel guilty about getting your life at the buffet when you’re with me.
6. You won’t have to see me all the time
I’m a busy bitch so you’re able to get all the “me” time you deserve. Trust me, you deserve all of it. Keep it. Cherish it.
7. I have my own life
I will never tell you how to live your life. Do you and I’ll continue to do me. I want to help you embrace all that makes you, YOU, not change you to convenience me.
8. I will support you in all your goals
Whether you want to be a stock broker, athlete or a manager at Claire’s, I am down to do whatever it takes to help you make that shit happen. Even if it means leaving you alone to practice/study and just not doing anything at all. Get your life, boo. Slay.
9. I will write about you
This is a good thing as long as you don’t fuck up, sweets.
Photo by Noemi Gonzalez.