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9 Reasons Why I’d Make a Terrible Boyfriend

In the unlikely event someone would like to take a ride on this train to Hot Mess Central, I thought it would be best to lay out a few of the reasons why it would be wise to hop off this train altogether.

Consider yourself warned.

Here are 9 reasons why I’d make a terrible boyfriend.

1. I am controlling

Good luck trying to make decisions on where to go and what to see. And just when you thought I relinquished my power on date night to let you choose where to go for dinner, I made sure to create a diversion at the restaurant. I gave the waitress a complicated order to ensure mistakes and took the time to eat extra slow so we would miss the 8:45PM showing of Antman and have to see the 9:15PM showing of that Meryl Streep movie you’ve been groaning about for weeks because you “hate movies with old people.”

2. I will choose work over you

Sure, I like attention, which is why I decided to give you my number and agree to a free meal at the restaurant of my choosing. But I won’t be able to give you the attention you deserve. Nothing will get in the way of my career.

3. I fall asleep during playtime

I’m sorry but I’m a working girl and as soon as I lay down after a long day of work, I blackout. By the time I come to, it will be 5AM. I’ll rummage through your pantry for a plain bagel and leave a note on your nightstand that reads, “Had to get to the office, catch you later, gorgeous.” You’ll most likely wake up an hour after that and make sure our next date involves coffee.

4. I’m dramatic

This is pretty fucking obvious.

5. My idea of an awesome date is…

Not talking, reading alone, going to the movies alone, being alone.

6. New York City is my true love

Even if things started going well, I’d leave you in a heartbeat for an opportunity to move to New York. (Hopefully you can come with me).

7. I am a Sagittarius

I’ll wake up one day feeling like I’m stuck in life and then disappear into to the forests in search of crystals and spiritual healing.

8. I’m low(high)key crazy

One minute I’m sweet as pie, the next minute I’m Nicki Minaj via the “Monster” verse. While the rest of the world sees me as a happy-go-lucky optimist with a heart of gold, you will see a terrifying demon of the night, ready to drag you down to hell with songs of self-loathing.

9. I will write about you

This is inevitable. Good, bad, ugly. Like the good Lord said: All will come to light. Or something like that.

Good luck.

Photo by Noemi Gonzalez.

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