August 15, 2014
Damien went through so much trouble to make tonight happen.
He and I were in separate cars leaving from Deidre’s birthday dinner. I rushed home to make sure I would make it there first. I wanted to get myself together and make sure tonight would be absolutely perfect. I called Iyanla on my drive out of pure excitement.
“Girlfriend, OH MY GOD,” I exclaimed into the phone. “Damien is coming over girl, and I think shit is going to go down. I can feel it.”
“YAAAAAASSSSSSSS, this is happening, oh my god!” she said.
Then I called Penny.
“Penny, my love, holy shit, Damien is coming over,” I exclaimed yet again.
“UHMMMMM…what, oh my gosh YES, what is life…you think something might happen? Because it sure looks that way.” Penny said.
I mean, of course something was about to happen. I had mentioned to Damien earlier in the week that I wanted to kiss him again. He told me that I should be patient when it comes to getting what I want. Did I mention he also said to me, “I know there are things I could have right away but I like to take things slow”? Clearly Damien just needs things between us to happen on his own time. I’m super fast, he’s super slow. Also, Damien got jealous about my night with Jasper, and then took charge and said, “Tell Jasper he’s not coming over. I am coming over.”
I got the strangest feeling that extraordinary things were about to happen.
I made it home first. Damien needed to stop for gas so it gave me the stalling time I needed. I ran around the house, changed into cute comfortable clothes, put on some good tunes, sprayed a bit of my cologne around the house, and sat on the couch nervously awaiting Damien’s arrival.
I was shaking so badly. I kept speaking to myself out loud, “Get yourself together Jacob, get yourself together. Calm down.”
Short vibration along with a text from Damien.
Damien: Come outside.
Oh. I wasn’t expecting to do it in the car. But apparently that’s what Damien had planned. I walked outside to find Damien’s car parked out front and hopped in.
“Are you ready?” Damien asked.
“Ready as I’ll ever be.” I said.
He lit the grass with careful precision. I admired his steady hands.
“Now breathe through here.” he instructed.
I took one great puff. Was that it? I was expecting some sort existential of experience, something out of this world. But nothing really happened. I took another puff. Still, I felt nothing changed. And then…the giggles began to arrive.
“There it is!” Damien said with a huge grin on his face.
This was happening. My brain, the thing that had been exhausting me since my kiss with Damien suddenly began to break apart. I could feel my obsession with Damien dwindling into tiny little pieces of confetti.
But then, Damien looked at me and said, “So when is Jasper coming over?”
What? Jasper? I thought he wanted Jasper gone. I thought tonight was supposed to be about us. My stomach began to churn.
“I thought you said to un-invite him…” I replied.
I could feel those pieces of confetti forming one whole sheet of paper yet again.
“No, I just meant while I’m here.”
I realized the vibe was gone and that there probably was no vibe in the first place. I was led on. Everything leading up to this moment pointed directly at Damien. I bet all that I had on Damien. My thoughts were misplaced, jumbled, like books falling off a bookshelf in the middle of an earthquake. BAM. One book down. BAM. Another book. BAM, BAM, BAM…one by one they began to fall. I thought Mary Jane would help me relax but it was just making my brain work ten times harder.
I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t form words.
“What is it?” he asked.
“I…I…feel like we should,” I struggled to put the books back on the shelf. “Don’t you ever get the feeling that we…”
“What now, just fucking spit it out.” He said.
I was stunned. Why was he yelling at me? Why was he so upset, I’m just trying to talk to him but all I got was frustration and anger. I hated this feeling, I hated what this drug was doing to me. I wished I hadn’t smoked at all. My thoughts were deserting me, abandoning me. It’s as if they were saying, “You complain about us ruining your life all the time, so we’re gonna show you what it’s like to not have us anymore.” I wanted to scream, “Wait, come back!” but it was too late. So there I was in a car with Damien late at night, wishing I had something to back me up and tell him how I feel. But I couldn’t do it. His anger shot at me like bullets and now all I could do was be angry back.
“Well, I would love to talk to you but you can’t handle anything I have to say. You run away and hide from everything. You wouldn’t get it, so there’s no point in talking to you. I’m just going to go back inside now.”
I stepped out of the car, shut the door behind me and brought my face down to cry as I heard Damien’s tires screech and speed off out of the neighborhood. But I couldn’t cry. The tears wouldn’t come. I couldn’t do anything.
My heart feels completely still. I hear it beating, but I don’t feel it beating. I don’t feel anything really.
I was expecting to have an amazing night with him, but this was not so. I am now lying on the floor, heartbroken by the same person I need to put me back together again.
I’m going to write a blog post tonight. All I have so far is the title.
It’s called, “A Kiss Can Change Everything.”