By Moll Levine
I woke up sad this morning because I felt like I had no one to love.
It had been a long year of trials and tribulations, but at this point I felt like I knew less than ever before. It took me a long time to get out of bed this morning but it took me even longer to make a decision. I wore what I wore yesterday because it didn’t matter and that’s how my morning went. This blueness makes me soft so I proceeded with delicacy at this time. During the day you are more aware of yourself and the way your body fills up space, the more the day is usually filled with challenges.
Getting coffee, I saw a friend’s boyfriend holding flowers and chocolates and her favorite drink. He fumbled with how he’d hold all these things at once, and I wondered if he knew how well he did. I went over and complimented him, and he asked where the man with mine was and I said to myself, “That’s a real good question.”
I would say I am a decent girl. I have a job and I call my parents and I try to listen to people when they talk. Before I go to bed at night I think about myself and how I can do better. It is not necessarily as selfish as it sounds but I do think about what I’ve done and why. This process of self-editing gives me a chance to put into perspective what really matters and what really doesn’t.
But when it comes to love, there is nothing for me to rationalize. Some people drink and some people smoke but I like to love. I like when the people around me feel special because they’re with me and I like that it makes me feel invincible. I loved, for the first time, when I was 16, and I couldn’t get enough of the stuff. I liked that it consumed my head and that I could see it and feel it even when everything else around me seemed so dull. When you love to love LOVE it can make you insane.
It can also make you greedy. It can make you want it for the wrong reasons. It can make you want to emulate it with the wrong person at the wrong time and even if it feels right for a second it’s still just so horribly wrong. And none of that will really matter when you realize it’s over.
So, with this mentality I went to work because that was something I had to do. That’s the worst place to be when you feel soft. Emotion and business don’t mix. But the day went on and so did other people and I got a message from someone that said, “Happy Valentines day! If you were a dude I’d try to bang you!” I thought it was really funny. But I still felt very much on my own.
Being by yourself is something awful to feel sorry about because it’s something that you can’t ever take a break from. There are times when being alone can feel very crowded. But that’s why I didn’t stop to pick up flowers at the stand by my office even though I thought about it a couple times. I knew they would be nice and they’d make me feel okay but I just didn’t care enough to stop walking.
Then I came home. My roommate said she had a surprise for me but she always does. That’s what I like about her. A surprise could be anything from a new shirt she bought or a good story. But when I walked in she handed me roses and a bottle of wine and said, “Happy Valentine’s Day.” She told me it was really important to her to have me in her life. And that’s when the tears came.
I can’t really explain it but I’ll try. All day I associated love with these notions of romance and passion – most significantly sex – because it is all such an easy way to evoke emotion. In the absence of these things, I, myself, felt at a loss. What took me so long to understand is that although on Valentine’s Day I found myself single, I was not necessarily loveless.
People love frequently and show it all in different ways. You just have to look for it. A funny text from a fellow single gal, that was love. My roommate picking up the flowers I couldn’t get for myself- that is love too.
I thought about where else I saw love, and realized that even the Whole Foods barista- who knows my order and starts to make it as soon as she sees me in line so it’s ready by the time I paid – shows me love.
With this mentality, all my days are filled with love.
It’s not the perfect answer to being single on Valentine’s Day, but it helps.
It made me feel better, anyways.