One day, someone from your past whom you most relied on, will re-enter your life at a time when you’re no longer a damsel in distress. And it will confuse the fuck out of that person. Especially when they’re used to being the one to save you.
After years of being emotionally unstable and feeling like a crazy person, there comes a time when you must reign in the crazy. Could my loud and cruel actions be justified? Sure. I think anyone would have gone crazy in my situation. But nothing could be more satisfying than to have complete control over who you are and how you choose to pursue your goal. The goal of happiness, of course. And if you spend more time trying to control everyone and everything around you, you will never attain this. I had to learn that the hard way.
I had to do it. I just had to. I felt like he wasn’t getting it and it needed to be known that his actions and behavior affected my life greatly. I didn’t want to be thrown into some crazy spin cycle over and over again and never achieve a single result. Being in love with someone who doesn’t love you back is unsettling enough, but when you’re in love with someone who loves you in a way that doesn’t seem to make sense to your already complicated psyche, you best believe I had to run for the hills…This whole pretend-relationship thing was just getting really old. So I cut him out. This was me taking control of my life and sometimes you have to hit the “Unfriend” button to do so.
I had my weak moments. I would call, drunk and crying, actin’ like a hot mess. But he would never answer. This was a good thing in hindsight but at the time, I felt I was ready to be over it, even though it had only been 6 months since the initial cut off.. One night, he eventually did answer. And I asked him, “Why don’t we talk anymore?”
And he said, “We don’t talk anymore because you have to go find your happy. So go find it.”
After that phone call, I knew there was no turning back.
The Bold Bitch Diaries is more than just a blog series, it’s what saved my life from remaining stagnate and unfulfilled. Part One began with Gorgeous Greg, the super attractive boy I met at a party who I boldly kissed on my way out (something I would never have had the guts to do a year ago). Part Two lead to a guy named Boston, who reminded me I don’t need to be so thirsty for a relationship, especially with an asshole like Boston. Part Three was all about Regina George, a funny story that redefined the term “bitch” and inspired me to make it empowering. Part Four was all about revisiting my past, to go back to where it all began, to remember where the past two years of my life had gone. And Part Five was my claim to glory, my “Ah-ha” moment when I truly felt like I had reached a point where I realized I can do ANYTHING, including making out with the hot guy I had been crushing on for months, and moving to NYC. And when I moved there, that’s where the real training began.
It had barely been a year since I ruled the guy out of my life, and I had already grown so much. My life was on a completely different track and no longer did I need him to feed me attention and play house, I just wanted him to be a part of my new journey. I wanted him to be proud. I wanted him to understand how much I changed. But my texts and calls didn’t receive responses. He thought he was doing the right thing. He thought I still needed time, but no, all I needed was my friend back.
But then I realized, not only does he ignore my calls and messages because he wants me to be happy, I also got the sense that he too was trying to find his own happiness. And although he would never admit it, I knew I was also holding him back in some regards. How is he supposed to let me swoop back in after I cut him completely out of my life? That’s not how it works, but at the same time, I just wanted him to get over it.
When I got the idea for the Bold Bitch Diaires, I begged the question, “If I were to fall in love with me, would I still need you?”
It took me a while to realize it, but it looks like I got my answer.
I didn’t need him anymore to feel worthy. I didn’t need him to tell me how talented I am or how special or how much I’m going to slayyy in this world. I didn’t need him to console me and tell me everything would be OK and that I was strong enough to get through all the shit. I was finally at a point in my life where all I needed was myself.
I didn’t call him to say, “I love you.” I just called to say, hi.