Read Part One here.
2 a.m. crying on the floor.
At this point, I hadn’t spoken to Jayden Tucker in months. We tried connecting when I first got word I was going to be a PR intern in NYC but let’s just say he didn’t try quite hard enough.
As I called, I prayed he would answer. But why would he? He has gotten the worst from me when I’m drunk and if I were him I wouldn’t be havin’ it. But I missed my friend. My best friend. And sadly, I had no faith he would answer.
Sure enough, he didn’t.
I refrained from leaving a voicemail, and sent a simple text saying, “I really need you right now.”
Still no response, and no response has followed since.
Thanks to Frankie, Penny returned back to my apartment building safe and sound. She was just as much of a mess as I was, but minus the emotional instability. Before entering the building, Penny found herself comfortable on the sidewalk next to a dead tree and decided to take a nap.
“GIRRRRRL, WE GOTS TO GO UPSTAIRS NOWWW,” I said to Penny’s motionless body.
We got her up and going, and I thanked Frankie for returning her to me. Once we got Penny up to the room, we took to our separate beds and the talk began. Mind you, we were still inebriated.
“Dude…what happened…?” Penny asked as she yawned and stretched her arms, preparing for slumber. She wasn’t mad, she was concerned. She was concerned as to why her best friend she came to visit on the other side of the country decided to go home and leave her at a New York nightclub.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I just didn’t want to be the reason you guys couldn’t have fun. That guy just brought everything out. I’m can’t deal anymore, Pen, I just can’t. I’m doing this to myself. I feel like I can’t be good enough for anything or be anything to anyone.”
“Dude…Robert…” Pen said with a crooked smile, “That guy was an a**hole. Don’t pay him no mind, boo. He’s gross, ugly and probably has his own securities. He’s just a club promoter. So what. You’re gonna change the world, bro. Don’t let basics make you feel like you can’t be the best you can be. I know you. I know you, Robert. Be you, baby. Remember when you told me why you love Gaga? You said you love her because she was insecure her whole life and still is, but gets shit done and rises above. That’s what you need to do. Do what you want and don’t let petty bitches tell you that you can’t do what you love. You’re gonna make a difference. I know it.”
Even when drunk, Penny knows what the fuck is up.
Penny’s words resonated with me in a way that changed me.
Leaving my friend was not cool, and doing it because I was insecure is not a good enough excuse. It’s insane to think that a club promoter, just one rude ass person could turn me into a spiraling shit storm of MESS. The next morning I decided that masking my insecurities with alcohol only made matters worse. I knew I needed to focus on getting over myself first. And it didn’t take too long after the meltdown to understand what getting over myself truly meant.
Respect the physical flaws bestowed upon you and accept them as blessings. Don’t think for one second there’s a person out there who doesn’t have insecurities.
And if you ever have a day when it’s too difficult to get out of bed because you hate how much you weigh, or can’t stand the size of your nose, or the shape of your head, or you find yourself crying over the terrible things someone said to you, making you feel like you’re not good enough, or pretty enough, or smart enough, you write a capital B on a little piece of paper, and keep it with you in your pocket. And if someone asks you what that B stands for, you tell them:
B is for BOLD.