All Diary Entries, Guests, Spinster Week
Comment 1


by Zachary Fonaas

As a person with melodramatic tendencies and an inability to stay in on the weekends, it is important for me to keep my head on straight while striving to become a TV personality SUPERSTAR.

That’s why over the years I have made mental notes on the do’s and don’ts of celebrity meltdowns, in case I were to ever experience one. I share with you now my amazing (and perhaps questionable) advice:

DO: Wear wigs and/or shave head, your choice

Screen shot 2013-07-25 at 10.46.32 AM

Everyone loves a good wig. Whether you’re male or female, a colorful wig can add some major pizzazz to your emotional downward spiral. Before purchasing your new hairpiece though, be positive you didn’t pick out some basic ass hair color. The point is to have fun! Not to look like you actually need to wear one. My recommended colors include: pink, platinum blonde, aqua, lime green, and purple.

If you’re simply not in the mood to run to your local Walmart or you just don’t have the money to spend on a brand new wig due to recent legal fees, just shave that shit!

DON’T: Bash the gays


WHO RUN THIS MUTHA?! GAYS. Yes, if it hasn’t been learned by now, you DO NOT want to piss off the gays. We will force a sincere apology out of you whether you like it or not. This is also a huge DON’T due to the fact that gays (along with Jews and Tyler Perry) rule Hollywood and can make job searching quite difficult! Sorry ‘bout it!

DO: Live with porn stars for a while

Screen shot 2013-07-25 at 10.50.39 AM

I always thought it would be fun to hang out with some porn stars. I’m just assuming that they are probably like the least judgmental people on the planet and are probably down for whatevz! While sharing your humble abode with these adult film stars, don’t pass up the opportunity to get some tips! Just make sure this living arrangement is only temporary so you don’t end up on Google images for all the wrong reasons.

DO or DON’T?: Throw drug paraphernalia out your window

Screen shot 2013-07-25 at 10.51.10 AM

I really can’t decide if this is the most hilarious thing ever or the dumbest. If you do choose to throw your bong out a 36th floor apartment window, take precaution. At least have the decency to yell, “HEADS UP Y’ALL!” to the people below. No one wants to make a late night stop to the ER covered in your filthy bong water and needing stitches.

DO: Get out of your vehicle when a cop is arresting your significant other


Despite the police officer repeatedly telling you to stay inside your vehicle, DO NOT listen. That is your man out there and you will be damned if he’s going to jail tonight! When plan does not go accordingly, pull the “do you know my name?” card. Works every time! (Kinda)

Take notes from the flawless Reese Witherspoon.

DON’T: Attack paparazzi

Screen shot 2013-07-25 at 10.53.09 AM

GURL, we get it! You’re having a bad day and the last thing you want is a bunch of flashing bulbs engulfing you. But guess what? This is Hollywood and you relax not by smashing cameras but by hopping into your jacuzzi while inviting Miley Cyrus and all those strange kids from the “We Can’t Stop” video over. Now that’s a good (sorta scary) time!

DO: Pose with your alcohol-monitoring bracelet

Screen shot 2013-07-25 at 10.54.09 AM

Own it! This is a perfect way to say, “YES, I may be on house arrest and might have a slight problem with alcohol, but I’m still fun, damn it!” Some may point and stare at the bulky piece of jewelry around your ankle, but it’s okay! They just haterz with a simple ass life.

So remember!

Next time you’re feeling like having a good old fashion meltdown, just follow these simple do’s and don’ts and you’ll make it out alive! I hope you learned a lot today and this advice gets you far in life.

XOXO Zachary

Follow Zach on Twitter @ZacharyFonaas and get to know him here

More related articles:

I Dated a Felon
How to Make Someone Love You
When I Realized I Like Guys: The Ballad of Michael Paulsen


1 Comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s