Recently, in true spinster fashion, I hit rock bottom and signed up for a dating site (This is a public shaming of me). I haven’t dated much (Seriously, stop now), so the only relationship experience I have to go off of is that of my overly dramatic, spinster best friend (Thanks, man).
(Because this is how I think dating should work— Except you should ALWAYS use the correct form of “you’re”)
Apparently, guys on the internet are willing to look past the fact that I only ever want to eat ice cream and watch TV in my underwear. Their desperation bumps me up to an “out of your league” status–the key is being hopeless and awkward and desperate for love. The messages asking for wild nights are still rolling in (I just want to lay down and hug).
There is no greater self esteem booster than when some supah hot rando tool bag wants to get into my lady parts. Not only do you feel pretty and confident but you get the satisfaction of saying “Sorry boys, I’m just not that kind of girl…”
Between you and me, there is a small possibility that I take jokes just a little too far. I’m talking, there-is-nobody-left-in-the-room-laughing too far. So yeah, when I find a nice, scrawny little, cheesy, nerd, I usually break the ice with a bad joke, then transfer into a bad joke, and then bring ‘er home with an incredibly bad joke.
So how can I pass up an opportunity to break out a Chris Hansen’s Dateline NBC to Catch a Predator joke? This is a viable threat with online dating, isn’t it? She’s a he. He’s a rapist. What do you mean you’re not 18 yet?
What kind of guy lets a teeny tiny little pedophile joke scare him away?
HE’S A SCARED ASS BITCH WITH NO FUCKING DICK.
Unfortunately, 4 out of 4 canceled dates proves that guys just don’t think my jokes are funny.
Plot twist: Nobody does.
Check out Kat’s blog kathryneugenius.wordpress.com and follow her on Twitter @kathryneugenius.
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