I have talked about my coming out story before, but rarely have I ever talked about the time I realized I was gay in the first place. People have always asked me when I realized it, or when I decided that my gayness was a prevalent part of my life (no matter how much of a secret it was). Well here’s my attempt to answer the burning question: When did you know you were gay?
I guess my first real encounter with the whole gay thing was in Kindergarten. I was about four or five and I didn’t really have any friends when I started the school year. I suppose I was just “different” from the rest of the school children.
One day, after a game of ring-around-the-rosie, a boy named Michael Paulsen began chasing me around the playground. Intrigued, I continued to play along. The funny thing was, he kept saying, “I’m gonna kiss you! I’m gonna kiss you!”
My little heart went a flutter, I guess you could say.
I continued to run and run and eventually found solace underneath the play structure. Michael Paulsen planted a kiss on my cheek.
I was overjoyed. But it still felt like it was weird to the other kids. No one else seemed to be like me. At that moment, I remembered when my friend Lily, who was a total fucking drama queen and fag hag by the way (naturally we became friends), was kissed by her crush Nicholas Ramini. Nicholas kissed her right on the cheek and she talked about it all the time. The girl had no shame. Lily had also tried to kiss me once but I was just not into it. I was only into Michael Paulsen.
After he kissed me, I blushed and giggled like a little Harajuku girl. I knew then that I had a crush, and it was him.
The next few days were weird though. I would try to entice him into chasing me again and give me another smooch but he was soo over it. Desperate for attention, I pulled the most dramatic stunt in my life. With my back to the iron barred fence, I wrapped my arms around the fence behind me and began to call out.
“Michael, michael, come and save me!” I yelled.
My friend Lily came to help me. “I can save you, Robert!”
“Scram, Lilian. This isn’t about you. I want Michael and Michael only!” I yelled at her with disgust.
I was a rude ass bitch.
I stood there for a good fifteen minutes waiting for Michael to come to my rescue, but he never came. Talk about feeling abandoned. He went for a piece and then never called me back. That bastard.
Today, Michael is alive and well, and is also dating some girl. I guess you could say he was the first “straight” guy to leave me hangin’. Look at whatchu done did Michael!
* * *
Realizing you’re gay is just like realizing you’re straight. You start to develop crushes and it either happens to be for a girl or a boy. You never really get to decide. I might not have known what was going on exactly during that time in Kindergarten, but I can appreciate the innocence kids have at that age. It didn’t seem too weird to me that I liked Michael, and I didn’t really care. I hope we can all get to that point one day. I hope we can all get over ourselves, and accept that people are different.
Maybe I’ll hit Michael up on Facebook…