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The Bold Bitch Diaries | Part Four: 2009

Hey boo hey! Today we are taking a look at the past, a time when being a bold bitch was not only difficult, but unpopular. It still isn’t that popular but this story comes from a very bold place. Let it be known that boldness doesn’t always lead to GOODness. And sometimes, letting go is the boldest thing you can do. Without further ado, let’s go back to the 2000s…

“Robert, I can’t!” Faith said as she turned to the second page of our two person scene.

“What are you talking about?” I wondered, giving up on memorizing our lines.

“I think Jayden is really hot, like oh my god, his eyes, but whenever I see the way he looks at you and acts around you I just can’t help but be turned off. He wants you. I know he wants you. And you know it too.” She gave me a look that said, “Mmm-hmm GURRRL you know what I’m talkin’ about”, a look that I know well, and practically invented. I had to immediately apply lip balm because my chapped lips were in pain as I grinned from ear to ear, fantasizing about what it would be like if Faith was correct in her intuition and Jayden and I became boyfriends. I had to stop myself once I started imagining what our adopted children would look like. A little too soon, I thought. But still, I couldn’t help but picture Jayden and I together.

“He does want me doesn’t he!” I played around with it while Jayden rehearsed for his scene down the hall from us. I began chanting, “He wants a piece of this, he wants a piece of this, he wants a piece of this!” Soon, I was dancing like I was auditioning for a rap video. Faith is so easily entertained by my obnoxious antics that she basically encourages me to be even worse when it comes to volume control and my degrees of sassiness. Snapping in the “Z” formation and yelling, “Get it GURRRL”, was the normal regiment in theater class.

“What are you crazy hoes laughing about now?” Camilla said with her home-girl attitude as she thrusted her way into the hall from the classroom, taking a break from her scene partner. “Are you talking about how Jayden wants Robert’s dick again?” I loved Camilla because of her naughtiness, a quality that I wanted to embrace more in life. I blushed, then began hip thrusting, the way my friend Tanner does when he sees a hot girl, or overtly excited about taco carts. Camilla, Faith, and I were in tears of laughter and eventually embarrassment when we caught the attention of Jayden down the hall, who looked over and smiled in my direction, sending sunshine and rainbows through my heart like a unicorn that shits Skittles.

Jayden then began his trek over to us in an illusion of slow motion, oozing confidence and arrogance like when Zac Efron arrives to school in Seventeen Again after getting a new wardrobe and stylish haircut.

look at dat shit.

look at dat shit.

(STRAIGHT GUY TRANSLATION: Like when Emma Stone arrives to school in Easy A, and she’s dressed like a two dollar hooker).



My heart became a hummingbird the closer he got, and all of my adolescent, butterflies- in-the- stomach feelings intensified. But I had to play it cool. I couldn’t let him know that I liked him, he was still considered “straight”, and I am never one to hit on a straight guy, well, for the most part, but especially not one I genuinely had a crush on. As Jayden got closer and closer, I had to prepare myself for what he was going to say and how I was going to respond without being so obviously coquettish about it.

“Hey cutie,” he said, then slowly swung his arm onto my shoulder, “would you like to be my partner for when we do the stage make-up tutorial?”

DEAD. Was he really asking me to be his partner?Although I wasn’t surprised, it was difficult to accept that I was his first choice. I had been fighting off my childish crush on Jayden for so long because I feared that if I let myself get close to him, that his feelings would not be mutual and my heart would be broken in the end. I couldn’t do that to myself. I couldn’t give in to Jayden’s desires to become my “best friend”, just so I could try and push him out of a closet I wasn’t even sure he was locked in. Through the etiquette and gracefulness I’ve learned from such mentors Kathy Griffin and Chelsea Handler, I responded with, “Ew, go away asshole,” which was quickly followed by, “HA-HA just kidding! I’ll be your partner!…I guess.”

“You’re such a dick!” Jayden laughed as my sarcasm settled in. “But cool, I will see you in the make-up room partner.”

Ah, partner. Partners. Life Partners. Life partners with adopted children from Sweden.

I had to stop myself once again.

* * *

Entering the make-up room, Mrs. Leibowitz, our jewtastic theater instructor, led the way as we followed with stage make up kits in hand. We would be applying the make up to our partners, a requirement for the activity that had not quite sunk in yet until Jayden put both his hands on my face, one on each cheek, and asked, “Ready?”. Ready for what? Ready to be caressed by a guy I’m practically in like with and most likely never have? Please get back to me.

The mood was set as the bright incandescent lights flickered into a constant state of illumination to prepare our canvases for painting. The partners were all boy/girl,

boy/girl, boy/girl…and then, there was Jayden and me. A pair that drew the eyes of the class, especially Faith and Camilla, who giggled from across the room as they checked in on our progress as a make-up applying duo.

“Those bitches,” I said, turning away from my two enablers and back to Jayden’s face of sheer perfection.

“And now we will apply make-up to the lips.” Mrs. Leibowitz announced.

Shit. Shit shit shit. Lips? I wasn’t ready for this. I could barely handle Jayden touching my face with a make up brush but now he is going to rub coloring onto my lips with his fingers?

“Here it goes,” Jayden said, giving me a comforting smile, one that showed his understanding of the awkward situation yet somehow let me know that I would enjoy it. “Just hold still and look up at me.”

I sat in my tiny blue chair against the cold formica countertop. Staring down at my toes, I began to ascend my posture and raise my head, then pointed it to the ceiling. Blood rushed to my face, delivering tingles throughout my cheeks and neck. Taking focus away from the fluorescent light that hung above me, I brought my focus to Jayden’s eyes which looked upon my lips as if he was closely examining his plan of attack to carefully dress my lips for the stage. Soft touch and a steady hand, Jayden slowly brought his index finger up and around my upper lip with precision, delicately holding my chin with his other hand to keep me from tipping my head downward. But even if Jayden had removed his hand from underneath my chin, my head would not have moved an inch; for I was completely transfixed on Jayden’s canvas, hypnotized by his warm strokes and lost in his green eyes that glistened from the dressing room lights.

* * *

To be a bold bitch is to be smart. Making such bold moves at a young age can be dangerous, but also have the potential to create lessons for when we are older. This story is not over but has long been completed. When I was young I had no one to trust, simply growing up eating Skittles for Breakfast. xoxo

More Bold Bitch Diaries

Part One: Gorgeous Greg
Part Two: The Homemaker and the Homewrecker
Part Three: Regina George



  1. Trying to decide if I’m crying more over “sending sunshine and rainbows through my heart like a unicorn that shits Skittles” or the str8 translation. Dying.

  2. Pingback: Bold Bitch and the City | Part One: Looking for Gold | Diary of a Gay Spinster

  3. Pingback: The Bold Bitch Diaries | Part Six: Still a Hot Mess | Diary of a Gay Spinster

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